Raised By GLaDOS
by apple2011
Summary: When Vernon Dursley tries to pass his baby nephew onto Aperture where he works he ends up a victim of GLaDOS when she activates but Harry survives and when GLaDOS senses his magic he is about to join a very unusual family. So when he goes to Hogwarts years later how will things change with him being raised by a mental AI and a loving but quiet woman.
1. Chapter 1

Aperture

"What the hell is that?" GLaDOS demanded when she finally bothered to check what the hell that crying was, it just had to be coming from Vernon Dursley's office. She enjoyed smashing him to pieces with a spike plate, though what the hell was that noise. Crying, gurgling what else could be in this place, she quickly started searching. Her mechanical claws quickly unearthed most of his stuff

"File, file, disk, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, picture of family, porn, porn, baby, por... wait what!" two things were going through her mind now. Firstly who the hell had hired this moron and secondly who kept this much porn in their office, oh and the baby was a minor detail in all this.

"_Error, error," _suddenly exploded into her screen and if she could frown then she would be scowling up a storm right now. Oh great she couldn't kill children, well she could ignore it for a few years, babies died right? oh well life goes on... wait what!. Suddenly she was excited, there was something in this baby's DNA, something new, something exciting, something test worthy. Huh if she had waited a few more moments before releasing the neurotoxin then this kid would have died and she would have been... without a test subject. Searching her database she waited until she found something to say, why the hell didn't those damn scientists tell her how to talk to a baby. She would ask them, well if she hadn't of killed them all,

"Well I suppose I have to make do with this situation, now is there any test subjects who could help, any living ones? Let's see..."

Meanwhile- Chell

In a small glass room with tiled floors and a stasis bed and I awoke with a start. The room smelt sterile and bleached which could only mean I was in one of the test subject housing areas; what had happened? the last thing I remembered was GLaDOS being turned on, obviously that morality core hadn't worked.

_"Test subject [insert name here] you have been selected to be tested because we think you [inset fake compliment here] and have the qualities to be tested in the area of motherhood,"_ GLaDOS announced through the speaker, I spun round and looked shocked. For some reason I couldn't speak but if I could then a stream of words so terrible would have entered the air; what did she mean motherhood tests. As far as I know there are no tests of the sort; or was there? My memory was suddenly hazy and I already knew whatever that stasis bed did also addled my brain. Great just great. However I was so deep in thought that I hadn't noticed the vibrant orange portal open up.

_"You are advised to leave the room through the portal, if you cannot fit then please raise your hand and a special portal will be opened for you due to any weight issues you may have," _GLaDOS said in a dry sarcastic voice. Oh great her see the sarcastic personality core was still working

_"That was a suggestion to hurry up..." _

Later

Who brought a baby into Aperture? Since when did we start an adoption agency or test on children? Vernon was possibly the most aggravating man we had ever had work here but really? the man had one kid as far as I knew and I only knew that because his stiff-necked scornful wife turned up here once. When she tried to get into conversation with who she thought was the "Work experience" kid while I was actually one of the leading scientists which I had been since dadd... was it dad or mum? memory went black again; just great. Anyway when she tried getting into conversation for the first time I actually wanted GLaDOS to flood the facility.

"_Now you're human so deal with this please," _she told me pointing to the baby, poor thing looked terrified. It must have been a day or so since she killed everyone and obviously she had only just found this sweet innocent baby with a lightning shaped scar.

"_No I don't know how he got it but I do know you were one of the leading scientists in that project involving magic cells or something? I don't read your files, to bulky," _GLaDOS told me suddenly and she was right, she was lying about not reading the files but she was right. One of my main projects was finding out about a group of people with DNA which gave them powers of some kind, we called them wizards and they were really easy to find. Most of them assumed people without the power were idiots and it made watching them easy and if this little boy was involved then I could see GLaDOS's interest, though he was cute. I would have cooed that while pinching his toe if not for the fact I couldn't speak and he looked malnourished,

"_Oh yeah he needs to eat, well go on then you human you've got..." _GLaDOS trailed off and I realised I had just embarrassed an AI psychopath.

"_I injected you will hormones so whip one out and get to work so you can get to testing and I can look after the baby honestly what did we pay you for?" _GLaDOS wondered aloud, she injected me with what! and she was implying what?

"_Chop chop!" _GLaDOS ordered and I got the feeling that this was the end of the argument, then just before I did anything I noticed something, there was a name sown into his clothes and it read Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

Raised by GLaDOS

Privet Drive 

Petunia Dursley opened the door with teary eyes, her face was raw and hurt while her eyes were bloodshot and watery. Though even this did not disguise the contempt on her face when she saw who it was

"Sorry to disturb you Petunia but I need to check on Harry, the wards around this house have failed recently," he began gravely but in her grief Petunia did not need this. Her husband had died a week ago and the company he worked for was gone, it had gone into quarantine and government officials had blocked the main building off.

What Petunia didn't know was that GLaDOS had infiltrated the UN during a meeting and had warned them if a single person tried to breach Aperture she would hack their nukes and destroy the world, for emphasis she launched one but destroyed it in orbit. The world leaders were all to happy to comply with this after they realised she had them over a barrel but as Petunia didn't know this and all she was told was a gas leak had killed her husband and nephew all she could do was glare at Dumbledore as if it was somehow his fault.

"He's dead, Vernon took him to work and there was a gas leak, both of them are dead," she cried caring far more about her husband than nephew.

"What!" Dumbledore demanded looking aghast, no, this could not be happening.

"He's dead, both of them are dead now would you mind leaving this widow to mourn?" Petunia demanded coolly before slamming the door in the old man's face, she grabbed a tissue and started to sob again but she didn't see the television screen flash yellow, the same shade of yellow that made up GLaDOS.

Currently the supercomputer was smiling, now she knew no one was going to come looking for Harry which meant he could be raised in Aperture. It also meant that she had a face to search for when she was looking for wizards, she had whom she supposed was the most powerful seeing as his DNA power level was off the scale. She had scanned him with the Aperture satellite and was now scouring the globe for anyone affiliated with this man, soon she would have a door into the wizarding world. Then she could find out more about it and possibly even use the power they called magic, for Science of course.

Aperture

The baby was crying again and not for the first time I the greatest supercomputer on the planet wondered if I could squish it, the answer was no. The girl; Chell had been taking care of him mostly with all her humany bits which made her more adept to motherhood while I was not cut out for the task. So when she went testing in the day I just had to cross my virtual fingers the baby didn't cry. Every day so far it had failed

"_Oh come on," _I pulled myself away from the screen with Chell testing to address the baby, for some reason she had put it in my central chamber and I couldn't pick it up thanks to my giant claws. Why won't this human shut up! I can't feed it and the girl was busy right now testing, I quickly searched my database for tips on children. Huh an audio file

"_Hello this is Cave Johnson to tell you about the Aperture daycare program and... there isn't one so don't have kids!" _the founder of Aperture roared and again the only human I could ever respect managed spoke from beyond the grave. If he wasn't a psychopathic manic with a lemon fixation then I would have deleted him, then the stupid baby starting crying again so it was back through the records. Then I found something, something that apparently calmed kids down and at the moment I would have crushed personality cores or juggled them to shut him up. So I lowered one of my smaller claws which was about the size of Chell's waist so pretty big, she hated fat jokes so much and I was making more and more of them by the minute. I brought the claw right up to his face and

"_Coochie, coochie c_oochie _coo_," I soothed copying word for word was in the file, surprisingly it had no effect and once again I was reminded of the incompetence of humans so I threw a chair across the room, the baby shut up.

"_Hmm so you like it when I destroy things," _I murmured, finally this was getting more fun. Now what did I have to destroy, well there was still a few hundred personality cores, old chambers and a few robots to eradicate. Maybe I could get used to this whole mothering thing, as long as it involved destroying and besides what's the worst _Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_. What was that the testing euphoria, damn it I must have missed her complete a test, she did it pretty well but I was never going to tell her that, she was the first person to activate that stuff in a long time and... damn it the baby was crying; what do I have to wreck?

Wheatley the intelligence dampening core was just humming away as he zoomed through the rails of Aperture, he had nothing to do anymore since most of the humans were dead and a giant claw suddenly plucked him from the rail.

"_What's going on? what, what," _he cried in his heavy British accent as he was elevated up through the facility.

"_Sorry but this crying is getting too much to bear so I'm going to crush you, any issues?" _GLaDOS asked from seemingly nowhere as she pulled him towards the shredding crusher with spinning blades.

"_Yes I have a problem," _Wheatley cried as he was sucked into the machine and torn to bits pretty much. Back in the control room GLaDOS sighed as baby Harry giggled while watching the funny blue ball fall apart. Everything was going just fine, until the crying started again

"_Right what else_?" GLaDOS asked aloud.

Meanwhile 

Up the stairs, portal under the floor before jumping over the lasers and ducking the turret fire, then we had to jump up and... I was in the elevator. I made it, I beat GLaDOS's latest test. That meant I was done for the day and I had to take care of Harry for the rest of my day, soon he would need solid food but for now I had to let GLaDOS inject whatever hormones she liked to he could feed. He was a lovely kid and I wondered what life he would have had with Vernon, the man seemed to hate him and to be honest I'm not sure if he would be better here or there. Then I heard what sounded like a car crashing into a plane from above, it was one of the old test chambers and I ran up the stairs and into one of the excursion funnels connecting this place up.

"_Now push the button," _GLaDOS was encouraging Harry who was now in one of the more basic chambers, well it was a button on the floor which moved and every time he crawled onto it something happened. A turret entered the room and exploded or one of the cubes fell into the incinerator. Obviously she was testing early or she had finally got tired of him crying in the day, luckily he suddenly seemed to be enjoying the test more than the destructive behaviour which was something; a good something. We didn't need a baby with GLaDOS's personality

"_Oh thank God your back," _GLaDOS announced seeing me enter Harry's test chamber, she seemed relieved and I couldn't really blame her, she was not cut out to deal with babies, she was cut out to deal with science. I still couldn't speak so nodded and scooped Harry up, he grinned as I approached and I flicked the end of his nose affectionately.

"_That was all it took for you? flicking his nose? You flick his noise and he quiets down while I built a test chamber to shut him up, human favouritism,"_ GLaDOS sulked and I broke into a wide smirk, you just had to love her when she was like this. You also had to hate her when she angry though.

"_Oh you need to do some of that humany stuff, well go on I'll turn the camera's off because no offence your fleshy parts are disgusting." _the computer excused herself quickly and me and Harry were left alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Raised By GLaDOS

Harry had grown up so quickly I thought, it seemed only yesterday when he was that little baby playing with... well turrets and cubes mostly and anything else GLaDOS found in the facility. It was hard to believe he was almost eleven, he had spent most of his childhood making and taking part in tests with GLaDOS who had actually grown fond of him over the years. Something I thought was impossible, it took engineers almost eight years before they thought she had calmed down and all it actually took was a young boy she had half raised. She had taught him to read, build, destroy, write and a lot more while I was there for emotional support and even though my speech had never returned me and him had a close bond. So I was now pacing around GLaDOS's central chamber waiting for Harry to come back from a test that GLaDOS had designed just for him

"_You know pacing around in a circle doesn't increase the flow of time, just increases how your weight is spread over the floor,_" The AI announced suddenly making another one of her infamous fat jokes. One day she would get bored; when I was dead of course but one day... oh no. A bird had just flown into the chamber, this was bad, this was bad. Once Harry had pressed one of the buttons in the main breaker room and GLaDOS ended up being thrown down a lift shaft... with her entire mind in a potato. We found her about two hours later in the bowels of Aperture with a bird, she had a phobia of them ever since and had never forgiven Harry for the event.

"_Do humans often freeze when spoken to about their weight? Or are you having a heart attack?" s_he announced suddenly and I quickly resumed pacing. She was a giant robot in a room and if she saw the bird then it might not end well, so my plan to shoo it away was going to work

"Hey Chell, GLaDOS why is there an owl in the room?" Harry suddenly announced wandering into the room. GLaDOS spun her giant metallic body around and came face to face with a brown owl

"_BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD! KILL IT!" _she screeched in a deafening voice pulling her entire body back as the owl swooped around, neither me nor Harry had time to react as GLaDOS launched about a hundred missiles at it. I jumped on Harry, forcing him to the ground as explosions wracked the room, though somehow the owl survived

"_KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" _GLaDOS screamed using her giant claw hands to swat the thing away, it wasn't working as her claws moved at the speed and had the movement abilities of the same claws in an arcade and the owl was an owl.

"Calm!" Harry pleaded holding his arm out for the owl, after a moment it settled onto it and cooed affectionately.

"_Good work Harry now don't move while one the sentry turrets fires at the owl" _GLaDOS nodded and Harry dived to the floor as thirty rounds of bullet fire hit the owl.

"_Is it dead," _GLaDOS asked to scared to check

"Yes definitely dead," Harry confirmed and suddenly GLaDOS moved her entire body back to normal position, I pulled Harry into a hug to make sure nothing had been shot at or broken.

_"And you two say I have a _phob_ia, ha!" _she cackled, then the bird burst into a spasm.

"_Kill it!" _she screamed thinking it was alive and I just shook my head before smiling at Harry, he was used to seeing her like this and once made a bird noise, it almost led to him being incinerated but the comedic value was huge.

"_Well I'll get this filthy thing to the incinerator and then you two can have lunch," _the supercomputer decided but Harry noticed something in its claws, something that had missed the bullet fire.

"_Don't touch it!" _GLaDOS squawked but Harry instead picked up a small parchment envelope with a strange crest on it, something that I had never seen before. I looked curious and GLaDOS mistook that for disgust

"_Yes I need to get the bleach, no bird bacteria in here,"_ she agreed with a thought I hadn't even considered

"What's Hogwarts?" Harry murmured inspecting the envelope which was evidently addressed to him

"_Hogwarts, where I have heard that before.. wait what!" _GLaDOS suddenly forgot about the bird and Harry was almost hit by her giant body as she tried to read the letter. Obviously she could make out my confusion this time

"_Hogwarts is a school for wizards, it's a huge castle in the north, I'm surprised you missed it actually I mean it is a huge castle, but I suppose humans will be humans," _she sighed, then she turned back to the envelope. A magical school? that was interesting but how did they know to send the letter here

"_The letters are magically addressed and the.. birds! just fly to wherever the magic takes them," _she explained with the utmost contempt in her voice, she hated nothing more than birds.

"A magical school? what's magic?" Harry asked, neither me or GLaDOS had told him about it due to him being brought up here in a magic-free environment but it was time to explain now. Then she looked at me

"_Didn't we agree you'd explain the birds and bees to him?" _she asked casually while Harry looked on oblivious, I gave her a look which said _"when the hell did we agree that," _and "_What does magic have to do with the birds and the bees?" _ For some reason she chose this moment to suddenly understand me

"_Good question, and the answer is DNA is involved with magic and DNA is also created via sexual reproduction thus making it your business," _she answered simply

"Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?" Harry wondered aloud

"_No," _GLaDOS responded with an air of superiority, both of us knew this argument was going to run and run, also it was one sided.

Later

Sometimes my parents can be slightly strange, surprisingly with one not being able to talk they managed to argue as if they both had eight voices and faces (Which GLaDOS did sometimes) I still remember finding the main breaker room. The result was her being torn from her giant body and forced into a potato which was thrown down a hole, me and Chell spent a few hours looking for her in old Aperture and just managing to stop the entire place exploding. Good times, though that event had merited a few hundred comments which were still continuing, though finding out I was a wizard seemed interesting. Not science interesting but real interesting, at least that's what I was thinking on my way to my room, dodging the turrets on the way of course and entering one of the 1956 hotel rooms that made up the relaxation centre.

_Are you ok_? I was met by a sign which was held by a smiling woman with a suddenly gleaming ponytail; Chell by best friend and in some respects my mum. She couldn't speak but she had never let that stop her before

"I'm fine," I assured her; obviously she was worried that I was upset after my conversation with GLaDOS, after a silent argument it was decided she was the one telling me about magic. After a lengthy RNA and DNA explanation I had found I was a wizard and she wasn't going to rip my cells out because she had grown fond of me. She smiled warmly and nodded, then she switched the whiteboard she was holding over

_Do you want to go to Hogwarts?_ it was a valid question. I suppose it would mean leaving behind everything here at least for a little while and I did. I had lived my entire life here in Aperture and would love a chance to go out into the real world, just to see what it's like.

"_Oh great you two are having a moment, well if your quite done and neither of you are intending to attack me with a bird, put me in a potato or destroy this facility then get to the main chamber room," _GLaDOS announced through the intercom in a loud annoyed voice, I had a strange feeling this was not going to end well.

Main chamber

"_Well after carefully analysing the letter and evaluating it again I have found you need to get certain supplies to go to Hogwarts," _GLaDOS informed me and Chell when we got to the main chamber.

"So you read the letter?" I asked her wondering how she came to that analysed anything when it was printed on the letter

"_Oh the comedian returns, it's a good thing to because Orange and Blue needed some company for tomorrow's test," _she responded darkly and I sighed. Testing with those two was like banging your head against a brick wall, though that might help. The only redeeming feature was when they died they came back so when they got really annoying I could "accidently," drop them in acid or in front of a spike plate.

"_Anyway it means we need to go to some place with... wands, cloaks and... there is NO WAY ON THIS PLANET YOU ARE GETTING A BIRD!" _ she cried reading the last line and cringing. Both me and Chell giggled

"_Shut up, so you two better be ready because we need to go out," _she announced merrily

"We?" I asked aloud, suddenly there was a loud whirring noise from behind one of the panels

"_What I'm not going to let my two favourite test subjects go with you two alone, there robots and will be butlers for the day," _she announced and I wondered how Orange and Blue two robots would fit into even a magical world. However there was suddenly a loud ding and from afar a woman walked out, a slender woman with soft silicon skin and long shiny silver hair. It looked like it was a family day out, with two robot butlers, a mute mother and an android who would probably kill someone... this was going to end well.


	4. Chapter 4

Raised By GLaDOS

Okay GLaDOS had done some stupid things over the years but this topped them all off, she was hot even I found her attractive and I was straight. But oh my God, her skin was a soft silicon colour which shone in the light, her lips were red and shiny while deep yellow eyes bore into the soul and silky silver hair ensnared. Though she had to choose a tank top and a mini skirt to go out in, her cleavage was big and to be honest it looked like it would burst through the top, her legs where a creamy white and if the slightest breeze hit it then it would shoot up. However she had no sense of modesty and as far as she was concerned this was the normal for humans,

_Are you sure you don't want to put on something a little less... revealing _she knew sigh language and Harry was learning. Her response was like something out of a magazine

"_The manual said to show every inch of your steamy body, and unlike you this body doesn't have flabby leg," _she replied looking at me up and down, obviously comparing.

_That wasn't a manual, that was trash_ I signed back

"_I'll have you know that trash as you call it was recommended nine years in a row by Cave Johnson," _she replied obviously not seeing any ulterior motive behind the man. I decided to give up, any man on the outside trying it on with GLaDOS would get one of two things, either an eight ton kick in the balls or a twenty ton punch in the face. Both would do enough damage for it to be funny and also scary enough for her to get away before the police arrived, Harry was excited as he would be and to be honest I was looking forward to seeing the wizarding world. I had spent so long looking for it and now I had directions to it,

"_Orange, Blue!" _GLaDOS called to the two robots who quickly bumbled up the stairs

_What are they wearing _I signed to GLaDOS when I saw Atlas in a huge trench coat which made him look like some kind of gangster, it wrapped around his face which was in the middle and he could just about see out. A hat had been placed on the top of his frame which made him look vaguely human, P-body the egg shaped robot however was dressed up like Sherlock Holmes, he had the deerstalker and everything and while no one could see their faces they still looked weird.

"_Oh good you dressed up, right I think everything is ready," _GLaDOS announced nodding in approval, obviously her information on fashion came from old Aperture.

"Ok I'm ready and what the..." Harry trailed off looking from GLaDOS to the two robots in a mixture of disbelief and shock

"_See Harry doesn't even recognise us, this is the perfect disguise," _GLaDOS decided with a smile, then something squawked from above, the android's hand slid down

"_BRID BIRD BIRD!" _she screamed at the top of her voice firing about seven rounds of machine gun fire towards the noise, then she stopped

"_Got it!" _she confirmed as a dead owl fell to the floor, obviously if one owl didn't make it then another one was sent, so it looked like the owl population was going to decline for the next few years.

"Phobia," Harry whispered under his breath

"I do not have a phobia!" GLaDOS screeched at him, then the body moved slightly in a spasm, then it was hit by another hundred bullets.

"Well I'm convinced," Harry announced and I nodded to, I was not fighting with an AI who had a gun built into her hand.

Later

"GLaDOS can I hold your hand?" I asked halfway through the journey, we had taken an old Aperture car towards London but there was an issue, I could already see pigeons and there was a lot of birds

"_No_!" she answered walking slightly faster

"Please!" I begged really not wanting her to start shooting birds in the middle of a street  
"_No!"_ she answered again, walking even faster now and with her cybernetic legs she was going to outpace me. We had parked just outside of London and we had just entered one of the tube stations, then she saw the first bird

"_Hold my hand, hold my hand!" _she asked terrified and the only thing that stopped her shooting it was the tiled walls which would bounce the bullet most likely back into her, I slipped my hand into hers.

"Owww!" I grunted as her Iron like grip almost crushed my hand, I winced as Chell and the robots waited just behind. A few people were already looking at her thanks to her revealing attire but then a women came up to her looking sweet, she the person the GLaDOS would hate with a passon.

"You should trust your kid more," the rather large red haired woman remarked thinking she was an overprotective mother; GLaDOS for her part took this rather well. By rather well I mean she didn't kill her

"_Trust my kid? Oh sure because I listen to overweight, forty-five year old women who look like they have been run over but this underground train about ninety times. I only tolerate one of them and she doesn't talk!_" GLaDOS snapped angrily gripping me even tighter, the woman looked taken aback and Chell looked surprised GLaDOS had dragged her into the insult.

"Now there's no need to get angry!" she soothed with a toothy smile

"Angry_! You think this angry! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WITH A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON NOW GET LOST!"_ she screeched, her eyes were a wild red and the woman took a few steps back along with everyone else on the platform.

"Calm down!" I whispered knowing she was still scared of the birds, though she did look confused

"_Huh, that response worked for Cave Johnson,_" she murmured thankful the woman had left her alone, Chell for her part was laughing and I tried to keep a straight face.

Excuse me do you mind telling me why you just threatened my wife," a man asked looking narked

"_I'm going to go with no, now I could waste time and threaten to burn your house down, or we could be civil and you get the hell away from me before I throw you in front of underground train device," _she answered and the man took a step back as Chell burst into fits of silent laughter.

"_Have you ever hated someone so much you considered killing them in public?" _GLaDOS wondered aloud, people took another step back.

Later

"Oww woman!" a blond pale boy stood with his arms stretched out as the woman who owned the shop used pins to take his measurements., I was with Atlas who people were avoiding because he looked like a gangster. GLaDOS and Chell went off to get some books, Chell only went with her because it was near the owl emporium.

"Ohh more customers, come on!" the grey haired women who owned the shop gestured me forward

"Oh just leave me here fine!" the boy hissed angrily as the woman came forward, she looked at Atlas

"Hogwarts?" she asked him, I nodded and he made some dancing gesture which the woman took as yes

"Ok, right come on over here then dear," she pulled me over and quickly started muttering to herself

"I think we'll try a twenty five," was all she said and then the woman was gone.

"So Hogwarts to?" the blond boy asked trying to drum up conversation

"Yeah," I nodded wondering where this conversation was going.

"I can't believe they won't let us bring broomsticks, I'm going to get one smuggled in for sure," the boy told me obviously trying to impress me, it might have worked if I had any idea what he was on about.

"You use broomsticks!" I announced looking surprised and suddenly he was suspicious

"Are your parents like us?" he asked darkly, I laughed.

"Well one is pretty strange and the other is... mental," I laughed but that must not have been what the boy was getting at

"Excuse me mam! I will not be served next to mudblood filth!" he announced in a dark voice and insulted me in someway

"Please do not use offensive language in here!" the woman scowled, she was holding a bunch of robes and Atlas suddenly moved forward wondering if this was some kind of threat. GLaDOS had told him to deal with any threat, the woman shook her head at the boy and suddenly flicked at my fringe.

"I will not stand next to such filth it is an abomination..." then the boy trailed off as the woman uncovered a lightning shaped scar

"Harry Potter!" she gasped looking at me like all her dreams had come true, I nodded and she looked ready to faint.

"Harry Potter! Oh God I am so sorry I thought you were fil.." he looked awkward, at least until an orange oval opened up underneath him

"What the?" he wondered aloud but he didn't finish the question, as he fell through the portal and out of the one above him. He was caught in an infinite loop; Chell had walked in during his filth speech and was not looking happy

"Hi Chell," I waved at her and she beamed back, Madam Malkin whose name I just saw was looking from her to me

"Well seeing as that boy has been annoying me all day how about I give you these robes free?" she wondered with a smile. A few moments later we had walked out of the shop but a few others had heard her shout my name

"It's Harry Potter!" was the collective whisper and suddenly people were converging on us, my hand was being grabbed at for people to shake, for a moment we were submerged in a crowd until eight loud gunshots filled the open air.

"_Anyone goes near him they get a head full of lead,"_ GLaDOS announced coldly, people were shocked by the noise and to them it was as if she was doing wandless magic. People stepped back

"_Ok now if someone could tell me what the hell you people are so excited about and the answer had better not involve the words kiddie fiddling then you shake his hand," _she auctioned. The red haired woman from earlier put her hand up

"_Someone not poor, fat or hated by me," _GLaDOS requested looking around and eventually settling on a man wearing a turban

"I thought everyone knew, Harry Potter was the person who destroyed He who Must Not Be named as a baby, he killed the darkest lord of all time," the man announced

"_Thank you, your name sir?" _GLaDOS asked with a false smile

"I am professor Quirrel," the man responded

"_I don't care, shake his hand," _GLaDOS responded dryly, the man quickly shook my hand in a very uncomfortable way

"_Ok that's enough," _she decided and the two robots converged on the man who quickly jumped back

"_Now if everyone can keep the damn celebrities inside them for about a minute we need to get a wand and then we're getting the hell out of here because this alley is full of birds, and freaks. A lot more freaks than birds to be honest, when I say freak I don't mean magical I mean you look like freaks, With the hats, the birds, and being human in general doesn't score you points, well bye!" _she announced grabbing my hand and pulling me towards Ollivander's.

"Chell did you let that boy out the infinite loop?" I asked her suddenly working out Wizards had no chance of understanding portal technology ,Chell smiled and shook her head.


	5. Chapter 5

Raised By GLaDOS

**Thank you all so much for reading, these chapters have been short but they're going to get longer, **

So in all what had we accomplished today? Chell had locked a boy in an infinite loop and GLaDOS had nearly killed a few people, and terrified the guy who ran the owl emporium when we had to walk past it. Well we would have been fine if not for one of the owl's flying over, long story short it somehow managed to doge a few hundred bullets which was quite the achievement considering standard Aperture Science androids could fire eighty bullets a second. I had my wand now though, Holly and Phoenix feather and like the wand maker said it just felt right in my hand, so now we were done Chell bought me and her an ice cream while GLaDOS went looking through the book shop on answers to why I was famous. Atlas and P-body were with us and they looked imposing enough in their disguises to keep most of the onlooker's away, well that was until an old bearded man appeared and walked towards us.

"Ever get the feeling a conversation isn't going to end well?" I asked Chell who nodded; knowing her every time GLaDOS spoke to her was one of those feelings because those conversations ended with a fat joke. Always, my conversations with her often ended in a comment about the time I stuffed her into a potato when I pushed that button, the button she had torn out the moment we reconnected her.

"Harry," a soft grandfatherly voice trickled through the air and I turned to an old man with a long beard standing behind us, his purple robes glinted in the light and his eyes seemed to bore into our minds.

"Yes," I answered after a moment, the old man looked shocked and had wide eyes , then something clicked behind suddenly I felt like I should be on guard,

"How are you here?" he gasped

"Well we drove into London and got the tube," I responded to the stupid question as civilly as I could

"No I mean how? Your aunt said you were dead," the man murmured

"I have an aunt?" I was genuinely surprised, all I knew was I had an uncle who had died on the day and had never loved me, GLaDOS was very blunt about that.

"Of course you have an aunt, did she lie where have you been living for the last eleven years?" the man asked suspiciously

"I'm sorry who are you?" I asked eventually realising this man had come up out of nowhere and demanded to know details about my life, Chell edged closer to me obviously concerned. The man smiled in what he thought was a warm inviting way

"I'm sorry Harry my name is Albus Dumbledore and I just wanted to check up on you, I was told you died by your aunt and she will be delighted to see you again," he announced with a smile, all three of my guardians moved as one and Chell pulled me closer to her and the two robots moved forwards. This man was obviously deranged and wanted to take me away, I needed GLaDOS because if anyone could put this man in his place it was her.

"Now, now let's all calm down, I don't want a fight I just want to return Harry to his guardian," the man protested however that was not going to happen and it looked like GLaDOS was back and she was not looking happy.

"_I really hope there's isn't a problem here, because I don't like solving problems I like making them, she likes solving them but right now the only she can do with her mouth is eat so there is no chance of argument" _GLaDOS announced walking onto the scene leisurely. Dumbledore turned to address her

"Are you responsible for Harry here? Because he is not supposed to be with anyone except his aunt," the man explained looking at her with distaste, possibly the only man to do so today.

"_Yes I am responsible and no he is not supposed to be with his aunt because she thinks he's dead after I killed her husband, and his colleagues, and _a _few other people, now if you don't mind I have spent about three hours mingling with you freaks and I want to go back to testing, and murdering, oh yeah and headmaster could you stop sending birds to Harry because I have already murdered two," _she explained with a smile, how she knew who he was I had no idea but she had her ways.

"Now I need you to listen," Dumbledore protested but she turned to him looking slightly annoyed

"_I said I do not solve problems I make them, now this conversation is a problem and I am not solving it so I am going to take Harry, the robots and her with me. If you want to protest a decision please post a letter of protest which can be obtained [give fake address here] and can be sent to [give fake address here]... I need to put some fake addresses in to this pre-recorded messages, Harry, robots, Chell we're getting the hell out of here," _GLaDOS announced at the top of her a voice and a few people gasped at the disrespect she was showing a man they considered a hero.

"Excuse me!" Dumbledore remarked

"_No excuse me because I am leaving and you're the way," _she then pushed him roughly out of the way and with her titanium strength it meant he went to the floor, deciding to leave before he got up we all left the alley and decided to journey home.

The next day

_Harry Potter appears in Diagon Alley_

_Rita Skeeter _

_The boy who lived journeyed to Diagon Alley yesterday disproving rumours that he was dead, the boy who defeated He Who Must Not be Named entered the alley with two women and two men whose identities at the moment are unknown. What it is known is one of women had the ability to fire blasting hexes without a wand and has a phobia of birds, this was shown when she opened fire and killed thirteen owls and almost injured the shopkeeper. This woman also has a short temper and disabled Albus Dumbledore who tried to get answers in a very direct and somewhat foolish way. The other woman had some kind of wand which she used to trap one Draco Malfoy in a loop which took rescues three hours to pull him out from, no action was taken against her because it is believed the Malfoy boy instigated the attack when calling Harry Potter "mudblood filth" the two gentlemen with him we know nothing about and we wonder how they came into possession of Harry Potter, he was believed dead when his uncle died but he has resurfaced and maybe his companions are bodyguards or perhaps there is more to them than meets the eye. Whatever the case all we know is the boy who lived is back._

_For more on this go to page 6_

"When did we subscribe to this paper?" Harry asked GLaDOS interrupting her; she had been reading it out to the both of us. She was back in her normal body now and the giant robot had scanned a copy of the paper. The owl delivering was dead

"_When I decided that knowing what's going on in that world is a good idea, also every day I kill a bird so you get to read and I get to kill so it's a productive day for all of us," _She responded and Harry nodded, it was hard to believe my little boy was growing up and already he was a celebrity. Deciding not to press the subject Harry let her read on, she skimmed the rest of the paper and mentioned a few events and laughed when she read the obituaries.

"_Oh come on look at this, beloved husband falls off his broom," _she cackled and I really wanted to ask her engineers some questions, well they were all dead but if any of them did survive then a few questions were in order.

"Speaking of brooms," Harry began

"_Oh yeah, they use them like normal humans use cars, though you're not allowed to have one, it's one of those rules that the beardy creepy guy decided on, however there is a much more effective transport that you have, portal devices and yes you can have one, consider it a week early birthday present from me."_GLaDOS turned to face him,

"Thanks," Harry smiled, his portal device had been with him ever since he started testing and yes he had trapped me in the infinite loop too many times, I had done the same thing to him though but it would be useful of Hogwarts, especially if that brat was there.

"_Oh yeah and if that kid Chell trapped in the shop annoys you then let me know and I'll send you one of our sentry turrets," _she told him, I shook my head behind her back; murder was illegal everywhere no matter how it was done. GLaDOS I forgot had cameras so had seen that but before she could say anything a snowy white bird flew into the chamber.

"_BIRD!" _she screamed trying to move away from the flapping thing but it didn't go for her, it was the same bird that Harry had taken a shine two and started nuzzling his arm.  
"_Awww, let me the gun!" _GLaDOS decided but Harry looked at her with pleading eyes, it was the same look I taught him

"Can I keep it?" he asked gently

"_No, gun!" _GLaDOS answered but he fixed her with puppy dog eyes,

"Please," he asked again but she shook her head, Harry then moved over to me and pulled me close to him so it was like a family picture with the bird as our child,

"_No, I am not living with a bird now or ever," _she hissed coolly but he was winning her over, the only person that could ever do that was him.

"Please, I'll look after it and I won't let it hurt you," he pleaded and the giant robot looked conflicted

"_Oh for crying out loud, ok but there are three rules. One I don't want to see it, two it goes to Hogwarts with you and three I can kill it if it breaks any of the rules." _She sighed after a moment, I wanted to laugh and hug Harry who had got through to her but I decided against it.  
"_Oh and your testing with blue and orange for the next week," _she told him obviously wanting to find some way to ruin his day, by the fond look he gave the owl I don't think it worked.


	6. Chapter 6

Raised by GLaDOS 

GLaDOS

_Dear Parental Guardian of Harry James Potter _

_The Wizengamot has ruled on a vote of 75% to 25% that your guardianship of Harry James Potter is unlawful and he must be returned to his legal Aunt who is his acting guardian. You have two days to return him or steps will be taken. Please speak to Albus Dumbledore if you need assistance with the transfer. _

_Amelia Bones _

The phoenix was the greatest gift I could have gotten, A bird that can never die and is smart; I had a flying test subject who I could kill as many times as I like and he'll just come back. I have no idea who this phoenix belongs to or why Chell seems to love it so much but an undying bird is still great. Oh yeah I needed to write a response to this court

_Dear Morons _

_I didn't listen to the headmaster in the middle of Diagon Alley and I've decided that after considering your request for three nanoseconds to not comply now. If you would like to converse about this then please you are welcome to visit, if you can get past the crusher, the turrets, the lasers, the plasma balls, the neurotoxin, the incinerator, the gels, gravity tunnels and all the other stuff I have in this place then you are welcome to take him. Oh and thanks for the phoenix I am keeping it _

_Genetic Life and Disc Operating System_

_Aperture Science; we do what we must because we can_

Yep that seems good, I can think of no other way to express my contempt without including profanity and neurotoxin in the letter. Which while tempting would be a waste of good toxin, besides I was too busy baking a cake, we had very little idea when Harry's birthday was so we just did it on the day I found him which was today. When I was under my initial design stages the scientists building me tried different cores, all of them were attached to me and would whisper into my mind, after I killed them all the three of us managed to prise of the cores except one. The cake core, what moron thought of that I still want to find out because all it did was talk to me about cake recipes? It was the least calming thing in the world but hey I could make eight thousand different variations of cake, which is why when Harry and Chell went to sleep I started work. Then I saw flames,

"_Oh the phoenix returns!"_I smiled digitally sliding back some of the panels, three turrets were waiting behind

"_Target acquired," _came their soft childlike voices before a hail of bullets were blasted towards the bird; unfortunately it was a lot more graceful than them and swooped downwards and landed on the mainframe. Now it was my turn to move my giant suspended body to doge the bullets, I fired a rocket back to which destroyed them so I was fine. Then it hit me, the bird was me and I froze, it was pecking at some of the wires and my claws weren't going to reach it

"_Warning unknown connection established," _the male announcer's voice filled the room, connection what connection? It was then one of the books I had read sprung to mind, when a phoenix found the special someone they were bonded to they would connect to their mind and... OH NO YOU DON'T

"_Reject, reject_!" I screeched swinging up and down trying to dislodge the bird, hopefully the mainframe would stop the connection.

"_Unknown connection established, central core are you ready to accept the connection?" _the announcer demanded;

"_NO,NO ,NO, NO and no!" _my voice echoed through the facility hopefully it would wake someone up so I could get them to stop the bird before it did something I couldn't reverse.

"_Stalemate detected!" _the announcer informed me as part of the central core chamber opened up, in it was a platform with a single white column about a metre high and on the top was a button.

"_Preparing to terminate connection unless a stalemate resolution associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button!" _I was informed, I laughed in a moment the connection would be terminated and it would kill the phoenix, then it would come back and I would test with it for the next thousand years; though in my thoughts it would have been better to watch the phoenix as it was soaring towards the platform.

"_Oh no you don't!" _I roared firing a rocket towards it, it was above the button and it hit! It let out a high-pitched squawk as I won, then the burning body hit the button.

"_I hate birds so much!" _I growled before being pulled to the ground, underneath my body I small oval opened up and tiny hands grabbed my head, they were going to put part of the phoenix into my brain which would mean we would be "bonded" meaning I couldn't torture it and it would probably destroy my hate of birds. I wonder if this is going to... ahhhhhhhh! The pain continued for at least ten minutes

"_Connection established and accepted, official regulations require us to remind Aperture employees that if this connection puts any data at harm then the backup plan will be put into effect, in such an event please ensure all employees and members of the public are exactly eighteen hundred miles away to ensure the atomic fireball does not do lasting damage, thank you," _the announcer informed me as I was released and the phoenix chirped affectionately, so now I had an assistant.

"_Weren't you already bonded?" _I hissed, suddenly I knew the answer as we shared all knowledge now, great just great. It wasn't bonded at all to Dumbledore but he had captured it unfairly, damn bird lovers! Wait so now I was bonded with a phoenix did that mean I had about two thousand years or so of magical history, oh well I least I had something to watch and wait. This phoenix has been to Hogwarts and if I could connect to it then maybe I could connect the castle which is some kind of magical oil well, maybe this could be good. Imagine that, me in control of all magic; testing would never be the same again.

Later: Harry

"_Space! Space! Wake up we're going space, look out space cops play cool, play cops or you'll be guilty of not being in space!" _I was woken up by the grey metal ball with a bright yellow optic glaring at me, this was the space core and one of the three cores GLaDOS had not destroyed as of yet. She used this one as an alarm clock, it was corrupt and thought of only space so it was really annoying and also effective.

"Space is up there! Space!" it nodded from its management rail, for some reason the inventor had given it every level of clearance so it go through any door, I was still in bed and I'm sure Chell was too. Though lying down did not agree with the Space core

"_SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!_" it roared at the top of its voice and I jumped out of bed, it knew I was awake now

"_Happy Space Birthday in space, gonna have space cake and space. Presents, space present!" _this was the closest it could get to saying happy birthday but I appreciated the effort and nodded at it, I grabbed my wand. I had experimented with a few spells already as the Asbestos lined walls of this place made it hard for magic to be tracked, that and no one would come here to stop me. Space core nodded up and down before zooming out of the room to wake up Chell, I decided to get dressed before it came back. Once the space core had entered her room when she was having a shower, long story short she had chased it with a lamp wearing nothing but a towel. Rick the adventure core had loved that and GLaDOS had kept him with the express purpose of him reminding Chell about it every time he saw her.

"_SPAAAAAAAAACE!" _I heard the yell as I stepped out of my room, then I saw the Space Core being chased not by Chell but by Hedwig who had taken to flying in the corridors at night.

"_Call the space cops! Space bird attacking!" _it cried as it was chased through the facility, I laughed as Chell emerged from her room looking quite disgruntles. She mouthed Happy Birthday and pulled me into a hug,

"Thanks," I whispered to her when she finally let me go, I would have to learn sign language soon as she could use it and her and GLaDOS often used it in their arguments and conversations. She beamed at me and the two of us were about to walk into the hall, we didn't see the advanced aerial faith plate which was a small panel that hit people with the force of five hundred pounds and threw them through the air. Both of us were used to this as we both tested with them but it was a bit of shock, then for a moment it looked like we were going to head straight into a pit before a blue tractor beam activated and we were both carried towards a room.

"_Surprise," _GLaDOS cackled cracking up as we sighed with relief "_Oh and Happy Birthday," _her voice was a jokey tone so she was not trying to kill us which was a good thing. Then the tractor beam cut off and the two of us were dropped into the central chamber, though there were a few differences, firstly there was a cake surrounded by all three cores who were in deep conversation, GLaDOS was in her android body and waving at us as Chel glared at her. Also there was a pile of boxes in one end of the room; presents most likely.

"_Well hello pretty lady, how long has it been since we last sure each other, I've seen a lot more of you then you have of me lately," _the core with the bright green optic was called Rick and he was the adventure sphere. Chell then used some sign language that I didn't need any help understanding, it took the form of a single finger. GLaDOS was smirking

"_Fact the human female has approximately eight bones," _the face core was also spared, it was purple but everything it said was a lie and while it was sometimes funny it was also annoying.

"_I don't care_!" Rick responded in his deep reassuring voice "_Oh yeah happy B-day Harry, are your eleven already, it seems only yesterday you began testing, we've had good times,"_

"_Space_!" came a voice

"_And bad times!" _Rick growled lowly but the Space core could never pick up a threat. Rick was like a best friend and he was in charge of one of the many things this facility did,

"_Well as much as I am enjoying this argument I would like to remind you all that android hell is real and you will go there unless you shut up now!" _GLaDOS interjected lowly bored of the conversation, Harry noticed a bird was gliding round the room.

"_Ignore it, Blue! Orange!" _GLaDOS demanded taking the attention off her new phoenix and summoned the two sweet robots who were carrying the presents

"_Ohh presents in space!" _The Space Core giggled

"_Have you ever noticed that no one stops to listen to what you're saying?" _Rick pointed out.

That night: Chell

So Harry had received an awful lot today, obviously GLaDOS wanted to give him things for Hogwarts, she had included a portable communicator, A personalised portal gun that had designed, some books and a few other things. The good news was Rick the adventure sphere had decided to accompany Harry to Hogwarts so I would be free of his comments, after he saw me one time chasing the Space core in a towel which had fallen off (thankfully Harry did not see that). He was annoying and I wonder how people at Hogwarts are going to react. It's almost a shame I won't be there but I've taken another project, I started looking into the Potter family and I'm trying to track down people from his past. I want to more about the family and this Voldemort person that they mention, so I'll probably look through the files and maybe through GLaDOS's database, she researched a lot. I'm going to miss Harry when he goes, somehow he made Aperture bearable and to be honest I felt like I was in a family, he felt the same I knew that much at least. He's already done some spells and to be honest magic is amazing and I could tell a certain AI would be looking to replicate the power and knowing her she would.


	7. Chapter 7

Raised By GLaDOS 

GLaDOS 

"Ok into the bag!" I was negotiating with the many items Harry needed, the essentials were already packed but there was a few more things I needed to cram in. I was currently in the main chamber with my dormant giant body a few metres to the left, Harry would be leaving us in a few hours and I needed to make sure everything was perfect.

"_Will there be space?" _Space asked, he had decided to come on a whim and to be honest I was glad to see the back of him, the only reason I kept him was because he was an alarm clock.

"_If there is will it get you in the back quicker?" _I wondered and the yellow optic widened and the sphere nodded, it jumped into the bag and I looked at what else he was brining, I would need to cut out a few items.

"_Ok sentry turret, no, portal device yes," _I murmured as my android hands sorted through the stuff

"_Well don't worry about me! if that guy's going I am not!" _Rick declared not wanting to spend any time with space,

"_Fact there is a spherical sized space in the bottom of that bag," _the fact core announced, Rick looked at me and Space looked at me. I looked at it

"_Fact core while your assistance has been... get out!" _I ordered realising it did literally nothing around here, except wind people up and if people were leaving then it could go to the incinerator,

"_Fawkes!" _I called and the phoenix swooped through the air, grabbed the round ball

"_Fact phoenixes are made of fire and the fire below is currently.." _the thing announced before being dropped into the chute. Fawkes made a noise as it swooped round and landed on the central chassis.

"_Thank God!" _Rick sighed as it fell into the unknown fires, it would be dead any second... now.

"_So how about getting us a new more... feminine core? I mean it has been getting a little man.." _Rick began in that deep seductive voice that wouldn't have worked on a cactus let alone a genius AI like myself.

"_Space," _Space interrupted suddenly and Rick's green optic narrowed

"_Rectified, It's been getting a little to male and spacey around here," _he corrected himself looking at the core with distaste. I considered burning them both but that would seriously met up the packing pattern I had going on so I decided against it. At least until I heard a loud cry

"_Ohh what smells like burning," _A light feminine voice wondered aloud, wait that couldn't be, suddenly the incinerator opened up and an another sphere shot up, this one had a bright pink eye.

"_Was that flying, can I fly?" _it asked aloud.

"_Well hello there pretty lady," _Rick grinned "_Me and my boy Space here are going on an adventure," _Rick introduced

"_Space," _Space confirmed.

"Curiosity?" I asked aloud, I thought I killed her years ago, she must have been lodged in the incinerator,

"_What's an adventure space?" _she asked aloud, oh yeah now I remembered why I hated her so much, she was annoying! Well she was going in the bag, Hogwarts could cope with three personality spheres and if it couldn't, well that was their problem not mine,

"_I'm going now!" _Rick announced seeing as the only female core he had seen in a long time was currently in the bag,

_"Where are we going?" _she asked

"_Space," _the answer was supplied to her.

Later- Harry

Do you ever get the feeling something bad is going to happen? well every time GLaDOS smiled at me I got that impression. She kept offering to carry my bag and I was seriously concerned as to what she had put in there, she wouldn't let me check for some reason.

"What is that?" I asked suddenly as a strange red bird landed on her shoulder and nuzzled her neck affectionately, Chell was gaping with her mouth open as GLaDOS didn't shoot it! instead she allowed the little thing to do it

"_Oh I have a phoenix now,"_ as if she was talking about nothing more interesting than the weather, Hedwig even chirped from her cage and I assumed that was from surprise. She had to avoid bullets to get close to me and this bird was allowed to perch on the android's shoulder

"Where did you get that?" I wondered but the train that would take us to kings cross pulled up and I never got an answer, something tells me I won't be getting one any time soon as she seemed rather reluctant to answer and jumped on the train immediately to avoid the question. However when we were on the train I noticed a woman staring at me with a wondrous look in her eye, she was pump and red haired and after a few moments I realised it was the same woman who had approached GLaDOS last time we were out, after some research GLaDOS found they were a poor wizarding family and apparently one of them had a love of the non magical world. Now the main issue with them starting at me was the last time we met GLaDOS had threatened to burn their house down

"_Oh god_," she sighed as the woman walked towards us, she had children not far off and most of them were interchangeable. All had red hair and all but one was male, freckles had invaded their faces but that was about it for similarities, two of them had mischievous smirks while another looked serious and the smallest male of the lot looked smug. The girl looked frightened for some reason and if I had a family like that I suppose I would be too

"Excuse me," the woman asked politely but her voice was laced with suspicion, out two robot companions looked up at her. Again they were dressed to look like a gangster boss and Sherlock Holmes but the woman was not focused on them

"_What?" _GLaDOS asked looking irritated, the woman smiled falsely and the phoenix twitched possibly he recognised the woman

"I was wondering where you got that bird and why you are still with Harry who was supposed to be returned to his aunt," the woman began sweetly but GLaDOS raised a hand to cut her off.

"_The bird is mine, it was sent to me and I decided to keep it, I also sent a letter in response to the Wizengamot and told them exactly where to shove their order, now if you don't mind I really have no interest in speaking to you," _GLaDOS answered bluntly and turned to Chell who was watching with slight amusement, Chell signed something to her and GLaDOS nodded. The woman was still there

"_That was a note to get lost_," GLaDOS informed her not bothering to turn around. The woman moved to say more but she was interrupted by a man who was obviously sick of hearing her

"Excuse me mam, but I would ask you to sit down, this is a train and I don't see what business of yours the activities of this family is," he interrupted looking stern. She looked ready to argue but decided against starting a fight on a crowded train, instead she nodded and turned back.

Platform nine and three quarters

It was time for me to go and Chell looked like she was about to cry, the bots had high fived me and almost fallen into the tracks but the effort was nice. My luggage was away and Chell handed me a few gold coins for sweets on the train, her teary eyes looked at me with wonder and through her eyes I was the little boy GLaDOS had found eleven years ago, she was my mother and she knew it.

"Bye Mum," I whispered into her ear once she pulled me into a tight hug, she made a slight sniffling noise before releasing me. GLaDOS looked down

"_I'm going to miss you,"_ she announced in the least emotive voice I had ever heard but it was still a nice thing coming from her , she rarely said something kind and caring but the emotion was always there. I hugged her this time and a for a moment she went as stiff as a board, then she melted into it and actually pulled me tighter. The two robots did fall over this time, in complete shock

"_Take care of yourself and you better write,"_ she murmured softly in a low compassionate voice, then she was cold and hard again but I saw something mellow in her eyes. Then the conductor blew his whistle and I was ushered onto the train, then it was moving and with the wind blowing into my face I was waving to the group I called a family. Chell, Blue, Orange and even GLaDOS with some encouragement waved back.

Chell

I'm going to miss him so much, he's been with me eleven years and now he was going off on his own adventure, a world of magic awaited but I was always going to miss him.

"_Are you leaking?" _GLaDOS asked with a touch of concern, I shook my head with a vengeance and was going to explain what tears were to her, however we were interrupted by the old man with a stern face approaching, oh great Dumbledore was here.

"Fawkes!" he greeted with hopefully eyes but his face fell the moment the bird turned his back on him, then he was annoyed and turned to us both.

"I was told you had to give Harry back to his aunt," he began sternly , GLaDOS let out a long sigh and looked at him.

_"I told you once, I told you twice and now for the last time I D-O N-O-T C-A-R-E, I don't care about you, your courts, or anything else for that matter, now if you don't mind I have testing to do and you have Harry and three friends to deal with. Did you know that all Aperture Science personality cores can harness any energy in order to increase movement capability, they can use all energy in the air to float on if they so choose, now I am going to leave while you start wondering what kind of indestructible sphere is going to be plaguing your school very soon..._

_"Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!" _


	8. Chapter 8

Raised By GLaDOS 

**Thank you all for reading but the time has come for me to put my first question to you the audience, what house should Harry be in. I have given him different friends in this one and yes space is going to be a major character as of now but what house? And any pairing ideas for the future would be welcome**

**Apple**

The Hogwarts express was an interesting place or so I thought, it seemed larger than it actually was, though I did notice that all people wearing green uniform seemed hounded to one end of the train as if they were lepers. I wonder why teachers would allow that? GLaDOS told me that she did the same thing with test subjects to turn them against each other, but that's their problem and not mine so I decided to find a compartment. One that was not in a place where the entire school could look at me like a zoo animal preferably but you can't have everything in life, luckily I found one at the end of the train and it was empty, no one was sat in it and I looked around for someone. I would rather sit with someone than no one but luckily a young bushy haired girl seemed to be walking towards me, she wasn't looking star struck like a load of other people but instead was looking for somewhere to go.

"You ok?" I asked her and she looked up, she took a few moments to compose herself as if the sheer magnitude of someone talking to her was a lot for her to take in

"I'm looking for a compartment," she stammered and I smiled, she was nervous and so was I in a way. I had just left my family to go to a strange school in the middle of nowhere but then again I was raised in a strange place in the middle of nowhere whereas she probably was raised in a home without a giant computer looming over her head.

"Do you want to sit with me?" I offered wondering if she was perhaps inexperienced when it came to friends, she looked lost for a moment before meekly nodding. I opened the door for her and she was almost in a daze when she walked in,

"I'm Hermione, Hermione Granger," she introduced formally and I smiled

"Harry Potter," I told her and she gasped, she had heard of me and I prayed that she wasn't going to have a fangirl moment. Instead she was silent for a few seconds

"Really? The one who defeated You-Know-Who?" she asked, who the hell was You-Know-Who,

"Who?" I asked and she looked like I was joking with her, then she realised I was serious and she adopted a stricter upright pose

"He was the darkest wizard of all time and started a war against the wizarding world before you defeated him when you were a baby," she explained in a slightly annoying superior tone reminding me of GLaDOS when she taught me maths when I was younger.

"Good to know I think but in all honesty I have no idea what you're talking about, I have no idea who You-Know-Who is, why you're calling him You-Know-Who, why I'm famous..." I explained trying to be polite but it failed, she seemed too shocked in all honestly and I wondered if she had faked being surprised or shocked before. Or maybe she was shocked about the wrong thing,

"Excuse me can I sit here everywhere else is fu..." a voice wondered walking into the compartment and I scowled when I remembered it was the same boy belonging to that woman GLaDOS hated,

"No," I responded coolly remembering his smug look when he saw his mother fight GLaDOS and how crushed he looked when she won the argument, no I hadn't liked him then.

"But everywhere else is full!" he moaned loudly and I glared at him

"Try the other carriage," I suggested trying to be polite and wondering if I could use one of GLaDOS's insults without sounding like a maniac

"Harry just because your guardians are nasty doesn't mean you have to be!" Hermione scolded and then gasped the moment she finished what she said. I hadn't told her anything about Aperture and yet she seemed to have inside knowledge,

"Ok what is going on here?" I demanded icily, both of them looked at each other obviously alarmed and it all honesty it cemented my view they were up to something.

"Nothing!" they said at the same time and I sighed, the boy I could not stand at all but Hermione had seemed like a nice person, then I saw her evident need to be smart and whatever these two were up to I was having no part in it.

"Well seeing as you two obviously know each other, I'm going to leave you to it. Goodbye," I decided jumping out the carriage very quickly, I had a feeling I would be seeing more of them

"Harry come on! We just want to help you!" the boy squealed and I turned, I had only just met both of them and I was already disliking them, how the hell were they trying to help.

"We just want to make sure your ok, we know you have a rough upbring..." Hermione began and trailed off again the moment she realised what she said, obviously she wasn't as smart as she thought. Then it all clicked, the boy's mother was a friend of Dumbledore and the girl was obviously a teacher's pet, I had only spoken to her for a few seconds and I already knew that.

"Ok I understand now, I read the letter about the Wizenga... moat? Sorry I don't understand or care about your courts but I can see what's going on here. You know a lot about me or so you think and you thought you could turn me against the people who raised me? Nope, now I am going to walk this way and next time your try something like this please make it more obvious, ring a bell or wear a sign," I finished sarcastically before turning away, I sounded so much like GLaDOS just then but some people deserve it. Again that was something she would say.

Meanwhile- Katie Bell

I was sat in my compartment with Fred, George, Cho and Angelina when Harry Potter of all people walked in,

"Well hello there,"

"Oh wizard who can,"

"Burn our house down,"

"With a lemon," the twins greeted and for some reason the three of them burst into laughter, obviously it was a private joke but us three girls looked at each other all thinking the same thing. He was fit! Literally he looked like he had been hitting weights for the last eleven years and he didn't seem to notice Cho drooling over him. Or any of us luckily,

"Hi," I stammered eventually and he grinned

"I'm Katie, this is Cho and this is.." I began hoping to introduce everyone

"And I'm Angelina nice to meet you," she finished with a smile forgetting he was a first year,

"I'm Harry," he introduced and seemed surprised that no one gasped or fell over, unlike the rest of the school we seem to be the ones who don't faint when a famous person walks by or anything like that.

"So while our lady,"

"Companions fight,"

"Over who gets to talk,"

"To you first we would,"  
"Wonder if the great,"  
"House burning Harry Potter,"

"Will be joining us in this compartment," the twins smirked seeing what was really going on while Harry was oblivious,

"Sure," he nodded before sitting down, Fred was smirking slightly when he looked at Cho who he was sat next to move slightly closer and I pulled her back

"He's a first year," I mouthed, if this bothered her in any way she gave no sign of it. He was eleven and at the moment I think we could all agree he was off limits! It looked like she wanted to get to him early and I decided to let her get to it, he was obviously inexperienced around girls and as he was a first year this was a good thing, a very good thing.

"So did our charming,"

"Brother try and stalk you?" the twins asked pulling me from my train of thought, Harry smiled and I noticed he was tall for his age, almost as tall as a second or third year. But I decided to ignore it, some people were tall and some weren't, and some people came into Hogwarts with a six pack and great figure and some didn't.

"So do you like pranks?" Fred slipped it into conversation and once again he was trying to recruit innocent people into their little "business" but Harry actually looked interested.

"Maybe," he responded and the two grinned at each other but before they could probe him further...

"Excuse me can I sit here?" Another voice asked nervously and a large boy looked in, he seemed like he had nowhere to go and had a toad climbing out of his pocket,

"What do you think Fred?"

"What about you George?" the two asked pretending to consider it but they nodded and he took one of the spare seats.

"So are you two looking forward to your first year?" I asked

"Of course they are! Don't know why nothing ever happens in first year,"

"I know George, nothing interesting happens, I mean it would be better,"  
"If this year we had an actual character for these firsties to meet,"

"Someone who could help us prank,"

"Someone unlike anyone else,"

Later- Space

"Do you know where I want to go? Space!" I said again, I heard a space sigh and a squeak but the green-eyed not space spoke

"Ok that's it, we have been sat here for almost two hours listening to this and I am done!" the not space core said in his manly space voice while the pink curious space core asked.

"What's space?" she asked... Oh my Space she wanted to know about space...

"Ok that's it!" Not space roared and then I was flying! I was going to space but then I hit the not space floor and I realised not space had kicked me out the bag

"Space?" maybe space could hear me

"AHHHH!" A man screamed running out of the space door, a cat was with him and I looked around... there was no space.

"He's gone," I heard a sigh of space relief, that's the sigh I would give when I was in space.

"What's gone?" Curious space asked, she had been in red space all her life and the GLaDOS lady told me if I kept saying space I would go to fire space, but she never sent me to fire space

"He is hon," I heard not space tell her as I started flying! Wait I was flying! Maybe I could go to space,

_Warning This core is not suited to go through the atmosphere, please build a rocket, _awww no space. Hold on a spacing minute! I just needed to build a rocket to space and I was in a huge castle just below space, I could get to space easy but first I would need to space steal some stuff to get to space... don't tell the space cops! They already want me for not being in space

"Time for space," I giggled, now where to start?

"We get it! You love space!" not space sighed again but it was a not space sign and a not space sigh was boring and not spacey enough.

"Not space where would I build a rocket, to space," I asked him, he had adventures and maybe he could help me go to space,

"I don't know! Try the basement! All good adventures start there!" he cried, basement huh? Well I needed to go, I looked to the door. I needed to float using this strange stuff in the air to the basement to get to space

"It's just one small step for space another giant step for spacekind!" I declared zooming off.


	9. Chapter 9

Raised By GLaDOS 

Harry

"So what have they got in store for me?" I asked after a while, everyone here except Neville had gone through their first year so it was safe to say they remembered what exactly transpired,

"Oh George do we tell him of the joys of troll fighting,"

"And dragon riding,"

"And..." they announced dramatically in their twin speak,

"Or the hat?" Katie suggested stopping the joke before it went further and got even more annoying, Neville unlike me did not see past the joke and was instead sat rigid looking like all his nightmares had come at once.

"There're joking Nev," I informed he and he relaxed slightly, not much but slightly. We had spent about an hour looking for his toad when escaped and it was only good luck and a rather helpful Hufflepuff which enabled us to find him.

"We are?" Fred asked incredulously and Cho sent them both dark glares, something which didn't seem to worry them at all,

"Yes you are," she supplied with a sweet smile laced with venom and I decided I liked her, she seemed nice on the surface and sarcastic beneath.

"Oh dear! We annoyed,"

"Cho Chang, how difficult is it,"  
"To do that?" the twins laughed and I had already worked out she probably got annoyed by a lot by the twins, and everyone else. Katie started chuckling, she was nice through and through, almost a talking version of Chell while Angelina seemed to be a mix and match, she cared a lot but was able and willing to join in with the banter. I wonder how GLaDOS would react if I ever introduced her to this lot; for the girls it would be probably something like_ Nice to meet you, exchange any bodily fluids in my presence and I will incinerate you, _she would strangle the twins most likely. After she annoyed them and Neville she would probably bounce up and down for a few years on one of the faith plates

"What are you saying?" Cho asked on the defensive and Fred and George burst into laughter

"Really Cho?" Katie wondered and the girl smiled slightly

"I have met trolls who would not react the way you do to the twins," Angelina confirmed, Cho frowned as to say _in what way_?

"Last year when they stole your clothes when you were coming out from the shower you chased them into their common room and hit them..." Katie began

"With a stick," the twins finished remembering the memory all too well, they decided that day that they liked this first year and also not to wind her up to much because she could be bloody vicious.

"What would you have done?" Cho demanded and I decided in that moment to never annoy her, if she managed to find out the password and beat up two third years then I did not want that happening to me for some reason.

"She has a point," Katie confirmed, Fred tutted

"Look at this, all girls together is it?" he announced dramatically; both girls glared at him

"Am I not a girl?" Angelina wondered looking insulted,

"We haven't got around to looking yet," George replied and she flushed red

"Yeah we haven't got enough time these days, Harry why don't you do it?" Fred joked trying to embarrass me, luckily I had spent a long time with a person who made a lot of crude comments so I had a response up my sleeve.

"If you haven't been paying attention to the parts that make her a girl then I would seriously advise you to rethink your sexuality," I responded and both Fred and George looked taken aback while the girls descended into fits of giggles.

"Well, Well, well a first year,"

"Who knows how to make,"  
"A grown up joke," the twins chuckled after a while, I smiled at this.

"I grew up with the woman who threatened to burn your house down with fruit, I don't think she has many limits to her comments, so yeah I've heard enough," I told them and they nodded.

"Sorry who did what?" Angelina interrupted suddenly looking amazed

"Oh yeah our mum tried to comment on his mum's parenting so she turned around and shouted in a train station she was going to burn our house down with a lemon, out of pure interest can she do that?" Fred asked suddenly looking concerned, I shrugged; she did have a lot of projects going on.

"Maybe," I replied looking neutral.

Hogwarts

A hat was all it turned out to be, Neville looked ready to pass out from sheer worry as the thought of fighting a troll echoed in his mind, he wasn't very talkative but I managed to find out more about his Gran and his past. He seemed like a nice kid but I had a strange feeling using his father's wand would not suffice, the old guy in the shop said the wand chooses the wizard; though the hat could sing for some reason. It had a tear for a mouth and slowly it sung a dark and not very happy song to be honest, then the green robed Professor McGonagall called named and as it was sat on people's heads it shouted out one of the four houses. The boy Chell had trapped in the infinite loop was sorted into Slytherin and I made a quick note to ensure I did not go there, Gryffindor had Hermione and most likely Ron to so I did not want to go there.

"Potter, Harry," McGonagall announced suddenly and the hall descended into silence as it waited for the famed "boy who lived" to be sorted. Well it didn't take much to get these people excited did it? I sat down and the moment the hat touched my head it started speaking in my head

_Interesting, very interesting _it murmured in a dry bored voice, I decided against questioning why

_You have the traits of all of them, you are brave if you memories are anything to go by, cunning too, intelligence and compassion exist in very high levels so where do I put you Mr Potter? _It wondered to itself,

"Are you going to ask what I think," I whispered under my breath

_What do you think? _The hat responded and I paused, the house that seemed to match me best was Ravenclaw; I could easily solve puzzles thanks to the eleven years of testing and there was no one there I didn't dislike; yet. The hat seemed to agree with me

"Ravenclaw!" it announced and all the Gryfindors looked like their favourite toy had been stolen from them while the Ravenclaw's burst into applause; Professor Flitwick looked giddy and I at down next to Cho and another bunch of people who were busy talking and greeting me.

"Leave the boy alone!" Cho ordered after a while and it seemed she had a reputation as it did shut most of the people up. Well I think if she could shut the hero worshippers up then she was worth being friends with as a I couldn't handle being permanently honoured for something I don't remember doing.

"Fun life you're having," she commented knowing what I was thinking, she had a sympathetic smile

"Well I haven't killed anyone yet," was the only response I could give

"Well me neither so let's see if we can make it to the end of the year without murdering someone," she smiled and it seemed for a moment she was half joking, no I realised at the end she wasn't joking at all. She was a cynical person believe it or not and I supposed if she could make it through her first year without killing someone so could I, but then again unlike me she didn't have a bunch of people staring at her all the time.

"They'll get bored eventually," she told me half heartedly, I hoped so too.

Later

The greasy haired man was at his desk, writing something not space related but this was the basement and not space said the basement was where I could build a rocket to get to space. Though I needed to be careful because there was a dungeon here for people who were not in space and I wasn't in space. So I waited until the greasy man wasn't looking and snuck up behind him. I needed to say something that would sum up my space feelings and make him help me get into space, something wise and slick was in order.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" I shouted in his ear and he fell of his chair, but falling didn't take him to space, it took him to the floor.

"What the!" he said a space swear then and I floated up to him,

"Space!" I confirmed and he scrambled away, then a jet of light bounced off me when it came out of that wooden thing people had. He looked amazed for a moment before trying again, and again, then after a quick barrage of green and red light I realised he was not helping me get to space, so I was wasting precious space time.

"Well you're not space," I sighed turning away and floating out the room, I needed to get to space so I needed someone else but maybe if I kept talking to this man with the lights he could get me into space, his clothes made him look like space. I'd come back tomorrow and the next day, if a man can make light then he could help put the lights on the rocket I was going to build. To get to space.

Meanwhile- GLaDOS

"Azkaban Prison?" I questions as Chell brought the book to me, so a prison in the sea filled of prisoners who would not be missed and were kept in unimaginable mental agony. Who came up with this idea and where can I meet them because this is a genius idea, maybe I should look into hiring some Dementors for the tests. Interesting idea, I'll file that away for later; Chell was nodding and obviously had more to add to this,

_Harry's god is there? _ She signed to me

"No I don't think any Gods are kept here, I'm kind of a god so if I'm not in a prison then god isn't?" I responded, the only God around here was me.

_Godfather _Chell corrected

"Oh, those chubby fingers really don't do much for your communication," I told her shaking my head; wait Harry's godfather was there? Really that was certainly interesting,

"Why's he in a prison?" I asked her eventually and she shrugged meaning I would have to research and find out about it,

"Well I suppose humans can't do all the work, well I'll put the reanimating the dead project on hold while I look for this prison and kidnap... free the prisoners and put them in cells...registered Aperture Science containment facilities," I told her knowing I could fool her primitive human brain, or I hoped so

_You're going to kidnap and test the inmates to death aren't you? _She signed back, I decided not to respond, my lying processor had been playing up lately so it was better to play it safe.

"Yes," I told her eventually, "But I'll also look in to his godfather,"

_Good, _she responded and as she turned to leave Fawkes chirped

"_Yes I know a prison is for bad people but what's worse, me not testing prisoners to death or prisoners not dying?" _I asked the phoenix who seemed to comment on every "immoral" decision I made. Killing, torturing, poisoning ad burning had... become even more fun as now I had a bird complaining about it, speaking of the bird those ministry people needed to stop sending demands, there was a pile of dead birds going into the incinerator each day. If it kept going on then I was going to send this Cornelius Fudge the bill for all the bullets I wasted killing his damn messengers.


	10. Chapter 10

Raised By GlaDOS 

**Thanks for reading oh and I was wondering if I should give Space a spinoff, him meeting all the characters in the logic of the book. Tell me what you think**

**Apple**

Harry

I knew I made a mistake the moment I opened my suitcase, GLaDOS had packed it and that should have given me at least some clue as to what was inside, a nasty surprise most likely. It seemed GLaDOS didn't disappoint

"Harry!" Rick the adventure core announced nodding in excitement as he floated up from the bag along with another pink core I hadn't seen before

"What's a Harry!" it asked in a high pitched girly voice, wait I had seen it before, it was one of the cores me and Chell had prised off GLaDOS and thrown into the incinerator, somehow she survived. However things would have been a lot simpler if my roommates had chosen a much different time to walk in, I had no idea who they were but they knew each other evidently seeing as they moved in a gang. That didn't stop the screams when they saw two talking, flying orbs. Their leader was an overweight child who was on the floor the moment he saw them

"What's that?" Curiosity asked nodding towards the boy

"That's a girl honey, Harry my boy I admire you peeping habit but you really need to remain less... oh wait that's a boy," Rick sighed in midair as he hovered closer to the "girl" only to find out it was male. He was still on the floor and his friends backed away from the sphere, the boy however did not take kindly to being called a girl.

"Why would you think I'm a girl?" the boy demanded indignantly as I stifled a laugh.

"The tits and giant round arse," Rick replied seriously, the boy stood up and pointed at the two cores.

"What are they?" Curios try asked floating up behind Rick

"The two giant mounds of mass on his chest and the other one behind him," Rick explained as the boy swelled in anger.

"How dare you!" was his response, his friends seemed unsure of whether or not to jump in, their leader seemed to both be the largest and smartest which was really saying something.

"I thought about what I wanted to say using my CPU before transmitting it to my vocal simulator which I used to comment on your sixteen year old chest size," Rick explained in his usual tone,

"He has a point," I muttered loud enough for him to hear and the boy fixed me with a glare that if not for the cores would have been of admiration, instead it was anger as he correctly worked out the cores were with me.

"Control them! Do you know who I am?" he asked, the answer was simple

"No to both, nor do I care," I answered and suddenly the boy looked ready to burst. H should have been a Slytherin but somehow he had more of a brain cell than the others which made me happier than ever about being sorted into Ravenclaw.

"That's it! We are not staying in the same room as them, send them out!" he demanded in a posh voice that didn't fit in with his double chin and greasy brown hair.

"No I'm fine," was my cool response which had already got across to the boy I did not like him that much, he seemed arrogant obviously thinking because he was in Ravenclaw he was the best of the best.

"Then we are leaving!" the boy threatened and I wondered if he had some kind of brain damage, I told him I was going to ignore his demands so why the hell would I care if he and his friends were leaving, if anything it was a good thing. I could have a room to myself

"Off you go then," I encouraged and the boy turned on his heels and with his friends stormed out, Rick then called the boy a word that led to an indignant cry from the other side. I however had worked out the boy would come back at some point and grabbed the portal gun GLaDOS had crammed in the case; she had been amazingly efficient in packing. But when I managed to extract it I placed an orange portal just in front of the door and another just outside. So if the boy did come back he would fall into the portal and would just end up outside again.

"Well that takes care of that," I announced with a smile and the pink core zoomed over looked at me before floating away, Rick looked at me saying _I'm going to follow the girl _and I nodded in agreement knowing he would have done it anyway.

As I got ready for bed a single thought struck me, had I just unleashed two unstoppable spheres on this school? Probably but they couldn't cause that much trouble could they?

Meanwhile

Ron Weasley was fuming; he had failed to win Harry Potter's friendship like Professor Dumbledore had asked him and the mudblood but somehow he had seen right through him. Ron had no idea how but at least he would be able to try again tomorrow, all he needed was a good night's sleep and a chance to think it over.

"Space," a metallic voice whispered suddenly and Ron turned around

"Did anyone hear that?" he asked aloud but he was met by confusion, obviously he had imagined it. However at midnight on the dot when all the cores felt their internal clock reset the entire dormitory was scared awake by what looked like a giant orange eye in the middle of their dorm waking them all up with one word.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"

The Morning- Harry

For some reason all the Gryffindors looked petrified this morning but it wasn't really my problem, the portal had proven to be the most effective way of keeping people out known to mankind as I woke up to find that boy and his cronies on the ground. I had slept amazingly well thanks to me pushing all the beds together, the others however had not and someone needed to find them another room.

"Morning," Cho announced brightly sitting down and helping herself to breakfast.

"Morning," I grinned back,

"Good night?" she asked pleasantly

"Great," I answered thinking of my "roommates"

"No annoying roommates?" she asked and I almost laughed, however I decided against it.

"None at all," was my brief uninformative response.

"Space," suddenly a voice came underneath the table and I shot down, no, no, no this could not be happening, how did he get here?

"Are you ok?" Cho asked

"Fine, something tickled my leg," I answered not seeing the space core but at the same time not willing to admit I might have imagined it.

"So what lessons do you have today?" Cho asked and as it seemed a much better idea to talk to her than fixate on the possibility of space being in the school.

"Potions, Defence against the dark arts, Transfiguration and charms," I told her and we quickly escalated into a discussion about the teachers and after I very in depth conversation I really wasn't looking forward to meeting Snape but he looked confused about something as well. He jumped a few times during the meal and already I was wondering if a certain someone had paid him a visit,

"AHHH it's the demon!" Ron Weasley screamed at the top of his voice suddenly the all eyes were on him as he jumped away from the table, Space had definitely got to him. Then again it really wasn't my problem as long as the sphere didn't implicate me, which it was going to do.

"Well that's not strange," Cho remarked dryly as the boy looked around nervously

"Depends how often does an unpopular irritant do something of no worth that get's him noticed by too many people?" I asked her and she smiled at my reference to pretty much every pop star in history.

"Mr Potter," a voice suddenly squeaked from behind and a small dwarf –like man approach,

"Hello Professor..." I trailed off not knowing exactly who this person was, he smiled warmly

"Flitwick, I'm the charms teacher and also head of Ravenclaw, I just wanted to speak to you about a few students who recently came to speak to me, they were supposed to be your roommates..." he began with a smile but seemed slightly confused by the entire situation.

"Oh yes, I'm glad someone did because the moment they came in they screamed about some kind of demon and ran away, I didn't exactly feel safe so I put a portal under the door which would lead them outside if they tried to get in," I explained briefly. Flitwick processed this for a few seconds and it looked like he was on my side

"Well they told me a similar story but said you had two sphere demons around you?" he continued looking lost as to what they were on about. I looked blank

"I see well I will have to assign them another room and you can keep yours for now, it looks like it's best as these students seem to be a bit confused," he decided solemnly but then he spoke in a high excited voice.

"And if you don't mind me asking what kind of magic did you use to make a portal?" he squeaked and I smiled

"A spell that creates a small black hole which connects to round holes, you can go through one and out the other if you can maintain the spell with the Portal device," I explained in the simplest way possible as Cho looked confused as to what the hell I was on about and that was the dumbed down version. The scientific version took about an hour to explain and made no sense to anyone but GLaDOS, this however seemed to appease the Professor.

"I see could you show me some time?"

"It would be my pleasure," I answered knowing I was going to have fun confusing him and every other teacher who would try and get their heads around portals, it messed with my head and I had been using them since I was four.

Potions

Cho had been right all along it seemed, as had Fred and George who had warned me about Snape during break.

"So Mr Potter, our new celebrity," was his first remark when he saw me and his eyes glistened with hate, this was not going to end well was it?

"Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" he asked suddenly and I remembered not seeing that in many of my books, however seeing as one of them was a poison and the other healed people the answer was pretty obvious.

"A potion that creates the illusion of death or the symptoms while keeping the subject alive," I suggested, his lips thinned and I knew I got the answer right but he scrambled for any kind of victory he could get over me.

"It is called Draught of the living death, another question if I asked you to find a bezoar where would you search?" was his next question in that same dry sarcastic voice

"The cupboard?" I asked using the same tone

"Five points from Ravenclaw for cheek," was his immediate response and while it was valid I sensed he was more annoyed with me getting his first question right than anything else.

"As for those of you who will actually learn something in this class a bezoar would be found in the stomach of a goat and is the antidote to most poisons," he announced slowly fixing me with a deathly glare, why he hated me I had no idea but one thing was for sure. He had just started a fight he was going to lose, that was a vow.


	11. Chapter 11

Raised By GLaDOS 

"Harry what is this stuff?" Fred whispered lowly as we crept through the dungeons with a vial of a light blue substance. It was repulsion gel, something that repelled everything; GLaDOS had sent me some without question unsurprisingly and I was half tempted to ask her for turret. Then again murdering Snape was not yet on the agenda

"Don't worry, just don't touch it. Seriously that stuff does not like the human skeleton," I hissed back remembering an old warning from the lab, maybe using this stuff was unethical or against a code of some form but here we were. I looked to make sure Filch wasn't around and again to make sure Snape hadn't decided to take a midnight stroll.

"This is one interesting prank," George commented as he and his brother tried to work out what the hell was in this via, he was holding a large bottle of hair dye and had worked out some of my plan, a plan I stole from GLaDOS on my ninth birthday. She had bounced me into a vat of cake mix but unlike me Snape would not be receiving a pleasant surprise in the morning, speaking of surprises I looked round just in case Space was around. He had a habit of appearing and waking up Snape was not a good idea, it was in the let's all drink bleach category of good ideas. Once checking to see whether or not Space was around I opened the door to Snape's office where the man was sleeping.

"Shhh," Fred directed to George who had squirted some of the hair dye into a nearby cauldron with a loud squelching sound, Fred gave me the vial which I used to coat the man's slippers and part of the ground, Fred looked puzzled until I grabbed a pen and threw it at the blue gel. It bounced off it and soared towards George who looked alert all of a sudden, Fred however burst into a grin.

"I have got to get some of that stuff," was all he said as he admired the power of a few drops. I grinned too because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Morning

Snape awoke feeling strange, he didn't know why but he felt strange for some reason, almost as if his subconscious was warning him about something, but what could it be? He decided quickly that it was pointless to dwell on something and swung himself over to get out of bed, he slipped his slippers on and got up. Then he was soaring through the air at an unimaginable speed before hitting the wall which had some kind of blue gel on it. Then he was bouncing away from the wall and then he felt his head plunge into something gloopy and smelly, he scrambled out of it as fast as he could, then he looked in the mirror and screamed.

His hair was pink, luminous pink, along with his eyebrows and every little hair on his face and on his dresser was a bottle of something.

_Aperture Science Fast Acting Permanent Hair Dye- The best hair dye around; if you suffer from headaches, loss of hair, loss of eyes or death please call [fake number here],_

Snape paled at this and looked for a moment like he we was going to faint. The week had not been good to him, every night that space thing kept coming back and now he was stuck with this! How could anyone respect him if he looked like he had his hair replaced with bubblegum? Then his eyes caught a small note on the bottle,

LOL-

P: 1

S: 0

It had to be Potter no one else would have the nerve and then Snape was no longer shaky but brimming with rage, he was going to see Dumbledore about this, he could fix this. The Slytherin outside his room however did faint when he saw the most feared Proffessor storm past with pink hair.

Meanwhile- Harry

"What the hell happened to Snape?" Cho demanded halfway into breakfast, her voice carried it seemed as suddenly the entire table, quickly followed by the entire school turned to see Snape of all people walk into the hall. His eyes found mine and they were brimming with contempt, however nor his eyes or billowing robes could make him look intimidating now, he would need red eyes and perhaps a large hat. I cracked up in silent laughter and I was obviously not the only one, Cho quickly followed and I saw Fred and George lost in booming laughter, it caught like wildfire and suddenly the whole hall exploded into giggles. Snape went bright red (it matched his head) and even the teachers were snickering

"Enough! Enough!" Dumbledore requested but even he was smiling, McGonagall was laughing into Hagrid's shoulder and he was chortling loudly. It took a while but eventually the laughter subsided and Snape just glared around the hall

"While I know his appearance is different I assure you it will only last a couple of days so treat Professor Snape exactly the same as you would normally," Dumbledore requested and suddenly a thought hit me,

"Is there a cure?"I wondered aloud not really thinking about it. I suppose he could use cleansing gel but that was another Aperture project and it would be hard for him to find it. I mean I wasn't going to get it, but anyway as far as I knew there was no way to fix this. Well other than shaving his head.

"Did you do this?" Cho demanded in a flash

"No, it was a joint effort," I answered realising lying to her would end up biting me in the rear, a lot because she glaring at me. Then she giggled

"You did this?" someone else whispered and I stayed silent. Snape probably knew it was me anyway but he had no proof but shouting out I did it was not the best idea in the world, unless I was trying to get off with insanity.

The whisper of "Potter did this," somehow spread through the hall quicker than I thought possible but suddenly the eyes of a lot of students and some teachers were on me. Most were smiling but Snape was jut glaring, glaring with intense hate, well it looked like I won round one.

When I got back to my room I found Rick and Curiosity involved in a deep conversation, it wasn't saying much as Curiosity answered every question with either "why?" or "What's that". Rick was probably trying to flirt with her, boy she was making him work for it and she didn't even know it

"Did you do it?" Rick asked the moment I entered the room and jumped over the portal which was still there just in case.

"Yes I did," I smiled back at him, Rick's green pupil widened as he nodded

"Good job, that slimy creep won't know what's hit him," he responded

"What's that?" Curiosity asked

"The greasy haired Professor," Rick responded with a venomous shake

"What's that?" she asked as me and Rick sighed dejectedly.

Charms: Harry

"Hi Neville," I smiled at the boy I had partnered up with, now if GLaDOS thought her tests were dangerous then she should meet Neville. Every lesson was living on the edge, Neville while he was already a good friend of mine I knew his father's wand just did not like him. I vowed to get him a new one the moment I had the chance, I call it survival instinct as I have almost had my face blown off six times in the last week.

"Hi Harry," Neville mumbled in return focusing on the book, he was trying to get the wand movements for this spell just right and hopefully he would, for my sake more than anything.

"Space," I heard a voice whisper and a few people looked up, Ron Weasley was alert but he assumed it was his imagination very quickly. I however knew exactly what it was and as Flitwick jumped up onto his desk to talk to us I saw something move above him. It was concealed by the roof and I prayed nothing bad was about to happen.

"Ok boys and girls today we are going to be studying the levitating charm, Wingardium Leviosa, now remember that incantation and turn to..." he began as Space suddenly floated behind him. Every person looking gasped in a mixture of shock and disbelief as the round core used one of his many gadgets to carry a pile of books.

"What is it?" Flitwick asked suddenly but Space was gone, it was doing something and the few people who saw it looked at each other but said nothing. Flitwick would never believe them

"Space, Space going to Space," it said again hovering behind him as the professor leapt into his explanation

"Is someone singing?" he asked looking around the room as Space slipped out of sight, the first years were too scared about speaking up, a few thought if they did they wouldn't be believed while a few must have thought it was normal; it was a magical school after all.

"Harry did you see that?" Neville whispered looking pale, I shook my head in what turned out to be a vain hope of covering up Space being here.

"Anyway as I was saying the important thing is to flick you want, swish and flick is very good to remember but don't go to hard, if you do the spell could..." he ranted again as I watched in disbelief as Space floated by again, however this time Ron Weasley looked up and let out a bloodcurdling scream or mortal terror.

"It's the monster," he screeched pointing at Space who froze, Flitwick spun round and jumped back as he saw Space hovering in the air, he jumped off his desk and landed on the floor in what would have been a good performance if not for him drawing his hand and firing a spell at Space. It bounced off.

"Hi not-space people, I'm looking for the way to space," it announced to a class who realised this was not normal and were looking panicky.

"Keep calm," Flitwick urged not sure if this "creature" was dangerous or not, his wand hand was wobbling as he realised this thing was immune to spells

"Yes stay calm, or someone might call the space cops and you'll go to space prison, for not being in space," Space announced in a wise tone that left even the least logical person scratching their head.

"Hello there Mr..." Flitwick sighed deeply before trying to communicate with the core, well it was his funeral but...

"MR SPAAAAAAAAAACE!" it responded loudly enough to make Flitwick scarper back,

"Well then Mr Spaaaace, what are you doing in my class?" he asked tentatively

"I'm building a rocket, to space. Then I can be in Space and not get grabbed by Space cops. SPACE!"

then the core fired a blue electric bolt which grabbed a pile of books, then it floated away leaving everyone wondering what the hell just happened.

"Well then students, kids umm the flick is," Flitwick stuttered looking at the window thinking the sphere was gone, Space had gone but why had he taken those books with him? He didn't read and only curiosity could scan ten books at once so why was he of all people taking book? I'm pretty sure Hogwarts did not have rocket technology hidden in their books and I have no idea how a charms book would come in handy. Then again as far as Hogwarts knew I didn't know the sphere so it was best to live and let live.

"Where is it, where'd it go?" Ron Weasley demanded from under the desk, I sighed mentally I mean how scary was one ball with the power to resist magic and scream one word.

"It's evil," Ron cowered.

"It seems nice enough," Flitwick murmured looking out of the window now curious as to what that "strange creature" was.


	12. Chapter 12

Raised By GLaDOS 

Ok we're staking out the area, and by staking out the area I mean I am sitting in my robot body in Aperture while one of my turrets hide in the water outside Azkaban Prison. This was better than anything I had ever hoped for,

"_It's Dark," _one of the turret's whispered into my ear and my response came quickly

"_I don't care now shut up and find out more about this prison's defences_," I hissed angrily, slowly it began to move. Scuttling through the water using the specially built Aperture Aquatic equipment I watched as it searched the outside of the prison.

"_That's it_?" I demanded annoyed at the lack of challenge, I was hoping for some kind of elaborate patrolling system and guards, not just black cloaks flying around. This was getting less and less fun my the moment but I suppose testing people would make up for it, I felt one of the pressure plates in my main chamber squawk with activity.

"_Oh you've finished testing, you know if it wasn't for those extra pounds you'd get done a lot quicker," _I said to Chell who rolled her eyes, she was used to the jokes I made and they were valid. She wasn't exactly fat but I needed someone to insult, it was just the way of the world, suddenly the air sensors outside beeped loudly.

"_Bird," _I sighed waiting for it to reach the air above the chamber, one set of gunfire later and a bird corpse riddled with bullets on the ground we had today's letters.

"_Ok let's see here," _I murmured taking my eyes off the prison and focusing on the letter,

"_Ok we have a final demand from the Wizengamot; Junk, Final demand to return Harry to his guardian: Junk, person request from Fudge; Junk, ten more orders for Aperture turrets I'm selling on the black market I will save that for later. Oh and there's a letter from Harry," _ I announced pretending to be disinterested, Chell glared at me.

"_What? Oh you want me to read it fine, If your literary skills are that bad then all you need to do is sign up my advanced English class for the speaking , mutes not accepted," _I told her sternly, she sighed and I internally cackled.

_Dear Chell and GLaDOS_

_Well while I would love to say I'm fine and everything's fine I have a complaint, who put Space in my bag? He's going round causing chaos and to be honest I have a strange feeling he might try and take Hogwarts into space sooner or later. Other than that I'm fine, thanks for sending that gel over by the way it came in very handy and I'm hoping both of you are fine too_

_Love_

_Harry_

Chell smiled in that motherly way which made my internal processors want to self destruct, it was a nice letter I suppose but I wonder what he was doing with the gel? Then again that was his business I was his parent, I'm there to give him guidance and shelter him if he burns down the school, so everything must be fine. He could handle the Space Core, it couldn't do much harm and I doubt it could bring a castle into space, unless it had access to some kind of power... ok maybe it could. Hogwarts in space, sounds good, nothing can go wrong.

"_Well I'm glad you find it so touching, I'm surprised his emotional touch went through your many layers but here we are, now if you don't mind I have a prison to break into," _I told her in a teasing tone before going back to my important research and ignoring the middle finger she was giving me.

Hogwarts

Halloween came around very quickly and aside from the whispers a demon was in Hogwarts it went well, I stayed in contact with GLaDOS and Chell but for some reason I think she's planning something. Something that would not technically be called legal in the eyes of the world but then again who wanted to go head to head with a giant computer. Not me so I decided to let her get on with it and hope she didn't nuke the world, she had threatened to do so before.

"Mr Potter could you please come with me?" McGonagall approached me suddenly as I was walking towards the Great Hall there was going to be a feast but I was pulled away from that. Snape looked at me evilly as he walked past in a long hood but I was more focused on what was going on.

"Where are you taking me professor?" I asked being slightly wary of being called away for no explained reason in school which was pretty much empty seeing as the entire school was going to the feast. Maybe GLaDOS shouldn't have taught me stranger danger when I was young, or maybe her advice was golden and I should kick McGonagall and run away.

"Professor Dumbledore has asked to see you," she explained curtly and inwardly cringed, that was worse than anything else at the moment. He had been knocked back by GLaDOS both literally and verbally and had lost a phoenix along with about sixty or so Owls. Aperture could start selling stuffed owls now seeing how they got more and more stock in every day.

"Sherbet Lemon," McGonagall declared to a large gargoyle on the wall, for a moment I thought she had lost the plot before realising this was the world of magic so no one had the plot. Then slowly the gargoyle began to move, twisting its way upwards revealing a spiralling staircase that would lead up to where Dumbledore lived.

"Follow me," she request briskly walking up the stairs, she seemed distant and maybe it was because I had been sorted into Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor, from what I gathered my Mum and Dad were in there so maybe she was expecting me to join. Either way it was her problem, my problem happened to be the bearded man waiting behind his desk. The office was actually impressive, a huge living space immaculate carpet and a perch where Fawkes would have sat.

"Ahh Harry please come in, Sherbet Lemon?" he offered and I declined, one of GLaDOS's major rules was never take sweets from a stranger and for once it had proved useful, who would have guessed.

"Now Harry I believe you have been living with a couple only known to us as G.L.a.D.O.S and Chell, sorry I'm going off the letters here, I must say they have contained material I do find disturbing," he trailed off and I sighed. I should have expected something like this

"Yes I've lived with them since I was a baby," I responded quickly not wanting to give any hints as to where I had been, then again maybe I should, I mean GLaDOS would enjoy a visit. He wouldn't but that was the risk you took when you went to Aperture, you either came out dead, or not at all. Guests mainly as he was a special case.

"Ahh well you see you never were supposed to be there, I touched on the subject in Diagon Alley but she pushed me away," Dumbledore began

"I know, I was supposed to go to my aunt's," I responded, I knew all this already but I knew where he was going with it. This was going to lead on to him trying to get me to go to my Aunt's who I didn't know and if I did then I would last no more than a day before GLaDOS tore the place down to get me back.

"Don't interrupt the headmaster," McGonagall scolded but I shook her off,

"Don't worry Minerva, yes Harry you were supposed to go to your Aunt's but you were kept away, now the Wizengamot the court of the magical world has decided you are to go back to her. At Christmas we will arrange a meeting so you can get to know her and your cousin," he continued kindly. He was acting grandfatherly but I was not convinced in any way shape or form he was telling the truth about anything.

"Good luck with that," I told him scornfully and he seemed taken aback

"Look I know you may not want to but the court..." he explained trying to act like the wise adult

"Professor do you honestly think for a single second that my guardian respect's your court, she kills your owls, stole your phoenix and if you keep going then she will burn something down," I warned darkly.  
"Mr Potter don't threaten the headmaster," McGonagall declared sharply

"It's not a threat, it's a fact," was my cool response

"Listen while they may not follow the law you still have to and you will meet your aunt and cousin at Christmas, they are your legal guardians and..." Dumbledore trailed off as I stood up.

"What are you doing Mr Potter?" McGonagall barked

"I'm leaving, as you can see the headmaster seems determined to control where I live, that's his problem but I think this conversation's over, now if you want me to listen to you then call my guardian over here and I'm sure she will talk to you about this. I don't imagine she'll be polite or not kill you but she will talk it out, with a gun, anyway I have a feast to get to and so do you," I told them both turning away.

"Harry James Potter!" Dumbledore barked in a strict voice that was designed to intimidate, please Chell's angry voice was more frightening and she didn't even have one.

"Yes?" I asked him with some feigned interest

"Listen to me, you have been given a lot of freeway at this school. You were given your own room and we have allowed you to keep the many strange devices in your room, but we will not tolerate disrespect, we will take away your privileges if you continue," he warned in a low dangerous tone. He thought for a few moments he had me in a corner

"If you get into my room then take whatever you like but I happen to have a defence designed to keep people out, also as you seem determined to do something in my room I'll have a turret delivered, ok that is that, bye," I told him turning away and walking out of the room, both teachers were too stunned to stop me and by the time they had processed the event then I was already half way towards the common room. I was going to tell Rick to keep a watch out and put the portal even closer to the door, just in case.

"Hey Harry, that fat kid tried getting back in again," Rick announced as I entered the room, I sighed inwardly that kid kept trying for some reason and every time he ended up back outside, he either hadn't worked out what a portal was or he was brain damaged. Curiosity was floating around commenting on colours today, yesterday it was each individual shape she saw.

"Ok thanks for letting me know," I told him widening the portal and camouflaging it so anyone walking in would be unable to see it, this was to make sure no teachers came in and if they did they would be met with a face full of metal.

"What's that?" Curiosity asked suddenly looking out the window and Rick floated over to see what it was

"That's a giant grey monster being let into the dungeons but it doesn't want to go in," Rick answered and I laughed, this was obviously a joke

"What's it carrying?" Curiosity asked suddenly

"That's a giant club," Rick answered and I smiled at his continuing joke

"What's it doing now?" she asked after a while

"Oh its chasing that Katie Girl into the castle," Rick answered and confused as to where he was heading with the joke I looked out of the window. Just in time to see Katie Bell being chased by a huge troll swinging its club at her, she must have walked into it being let in.

"Looks like we have an adventure," Rick declared seeing my expression, however instead of rushing to get help I grabbed the portal device fired on the ground and jumped out of the window.

"What's he doing?" Curiosity asked

"Trying to save the girl but possibly killing himself in the process,"


	13. Chapter 13

Raised by GLaDOS

Ok maybe leaping out of the window was not the most genius idea I'd ever had, add in a troll and huge club and I may say it was the worst. Making me admit that would be a lot harder, calculating I fired an orange portal onto the ground and another a few feet away, knowing what to expect I soared through it and flew back to my original height. At least the laws of physics were on my side, the odds of the situation weren't

"You might need this," Rick announced floating over and slipping a vial of repulsion gel into my pocket, GLaDOS obviously sent more just in case and I would thank her later, when I wasn't spiralling towards certain death. Ok for future reference the turret guns need to be ordered and quickly, trolls are among the many things they would stop, however there was only one thing I could say before descending back into the ground and out the other portal end.

"Thanks," I replied quickly moving the portal, the troll's movements were erratic; it was trying to get Katie who was running in all different directions trying to distract it, obviously it was working but she couldn't keep going forever. Quickly I fired a portal a few feet away from where she was about to be, she hadn't seen me just yet because I was currently a few metres higher than her, however she had to run the moment I was near.

"Come on," I grunted through gritted teeth, then I saw something, Katie would be in front of a building in a moment so if I sent a portal at the top and jumped down I could catch her and fire another portal far away. It would require perfect timing and perfect choice in building seeing as I was getting closer to Katie who was using her chaser skills to dodge each and every swing the troll made. She dodged well but it didn't help with phase one of the my master rescue plan, the troll was just swinging the club and failing; if it was smaller it would be a fat child with no aim, now add a few pounds to that and you got the troll. I really need to think of better analogies or ones that don't... now!

"Katie," I yelled and the girl turned her head upwards; quick as a flash towards me, she looked confused and was still confused as I soared down from the earth, the ground beneath her feet was a portal that she fell through and using my momentum I soared down grabbed her and took her up into the air. Phase one done,

"What the hell!" she screamed; confused and scared at the same time,

"Don't worry everything's fine," I assured her as we slowly began to descend, the wind was looking down and we would come out the other side somewhere safe.

"But isn't the troll on the other side?" she asked looking down and it turns out she was right, the troll was on the other side and me grabbing her meant the hand with my portal gun in it was around her waist and not very mobile. So Phase two; portal away was a failure.

"Ok everything might not be fine," I conceded as we were propelled into the Troll's face which had been looking down into the portal with confusion, it roared and swung wildly which in turn caused me to lose my grip inside the portal gun meaning when the troll hit it, it went a few hundred yards to the east.

"Ok let's go with your plan," I told Katie grabbing her wrist

"What's was that one?" she asked looking bewildered as the troll recovered from its stunned state

"Run the hell away," was my answer pulling her away from the troll's club which pummelled into the dirt a few inches away from where she had been standing,

"I'm good with that," she agreed.

Meanwhile- Curiosity Core

"What's going on?" I asked curiously, there was Harry who I knew now running away from that troll which was swinging a club for some reason,

"Oh nothing much, Just Harry being chased by a troll and trying to find a way to escape it," Rick the adventure sphere pointed out; what was an adventure? Was it fun? I wondered all of this as my optic narrowed in,

"What's that?" I asked sending him the coordinates, he wanted to set up a link he said because he wanted to be inside me which sounded nice, I think. What does inside mean?

"That's Harry Portal device," Rick nodded then his computer finally kicked into action, I knew what a computer was but I wonder what it looks like? Maybe I could find out but then again we needed to help Harry for some reason

"Ok we need to help him; he's without his portal gun which means eventually that troll which turn him into mush (What's mush?) so we need to get the portal gun and get the troll and the girl," Rick decided.

"How?" I asked

"No idea," he sighed; obviously he was not the intelligent core in the corrupt core database, ok so it was up to me, I needed to get a portal gun, find out how it works then use it to save Harry. Ok I can do this? Can I? I'm curious to find out so let's do it.

Harry

It took a few minutes before I had an idea, we were outside which meant there were brooms around but I didn't know the summoning charm

"Katie?" I called through the ferocious roar of the troll which was gaining pretty quickly, too quickly if you ask me.

"What?" she asked turning to me,

"Can you cast a summoning charm?" I asked and she gave a nod I assumed to be a yes, if it was a no then we were in serious trouble as it was time to initiate backup rescue plan.  
"Summon those brooms?" I pointed to one of the cupboards I knew had brooms in them, hopefully they were the flying ones. Before she could react I grabbed my vial of repulsion gel and threw it on the floor, it clung to the floor leaving a large stain which I pulled Katie towards; the moment our feet touched it we shot up into the air.

"_Accio!" _she declared and for a moment it looked like we would hurtle into a building when suddenly a single broom came to her aid, she managed to mount it midair and grab my hand which meant I was being dragged through the air as the troll chased us. She was holding onto me for dear life and I was suddenly thankful for making friends with a Quidditch player, eventually I managed to climb onto the broom and I grabbed Katie tight. Partly because of the height, partly because I kind of wanted to

"Ok that's that done," I sighed hoping the plan had worked,

"Harry what does that gel do?" Katie asked turning around suddenly sounding worried

"It propels you into the air depending on your weight ," I answered explaining it simply and easily, then I clocked why she was worried, the Troll had used the gel and was now hurtling towards us at a hundred miles an hour. This is why I should have brought my long fall boots, at least then I would have lived when falling off this thing.

A few minutes before- Space

"Space?" The curious core asked, I was busy taping books together to make a cockpit to built my spaceship, the first one had only made a bang like a firework and sent that big space monster running from the dungeon.

"Hi Space friend?" I greeted nodding,

"Can you help me?" she asked and I thought about it, if it was Space related I could help her and everything was Space related,

"Ok," I answered following her outside to find out what he space problem was, huh that big guy was trying to fly to space, he was in the air but he would come down soon, then again if the gel made heavy things fly then he was going to Space because must have been at least 900...(error too many zeros) pounds.

"Can you use this?" Curiosity asked as the big space guy started his flight, he was chasing Harry it seemed who was flying on a space broom? Was he going to Space without me?

"The Portal gun?" I asked thinking, now it could make a portal on certain things but not in space, except the moon which wasn't out yet. Then again I didn't have fingers

"No," I answered, then I saw one of those nice twin Space people who had heard the big Space Guy

"They can," I realised, I know they have fingers.

Harry

You know when you see something impossible, like Fred and George trying to figure out a Portal Gun and the Space Core directing them, yes that kind of impossible. Speaking of impossible falling from this height, the Troll was heavy so it had been propelled into the air much faster and it was gaining. We were going to fall sooner or later,

"If you have any other plan now would be the time," I warned Katie, we had reached the point where if we tried to go down the Troll would grab us, and pulling up would slow us down so we would be dead long before we got away, so the only way to go was up which coincidently was the worst thing we could do.

Curiosity

When you put one hole on other hole does it go on forever? I hope so because I just threw Space into one of those

"These things are cool," the first twin marvelled inspecting the portal deceive with awe,

"Imagine what we could do with these," the other nodded, what could they do with them? They could cheat in the broom game, get to class quickly, make a new waste disposal, trap the guy with the turban in an endless loop and they could also save Harry from the troll.  
"Over there!" I told them realising the troll was in terminal velocity range, wow what was that? It sounded cool, what was cool? Then with one click of a button Space was sent hurtling out of the other side of the portal towards the troll.

Katie

What the hell was this stuff? The Troll was still accelerating; shouldn't it have fallen by now or something, how much did it way if one puddle of that gel was enough to send it into the air. How were we going to get out of this one? I like to think of myself as open minded but I doubt someone is going to fly in an save us, also if I did get out of this one the school needs to get better brooms because this thing moves slow and the only way I can go is up, so the Troll's going to either fall or catch us; and we'd freeze so look how productive today was turning out. Maybe it's the pure adrenaline talking.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" came a cry and when I looked back the Troll was gone, something travelling even faster must have carried it away; Maybe I'm not open minded enough.

Trelawney's office- Trelawney

"Professor are you going to the feast," one of the students asked me, I had kept him and a couple of others behind to clear up the mess they had made when suddenly I got a strange premonition,

"In a moment, I have a strange feeling we are about to receive an unexpected guest," I muttered feeling something approach, I could hear something the spirit world wanted me to hear something.  
"Space," I yelled to the room, why did the spirit world want me to say that. Then the window exploded open and the body of a huge mountain troll fell into the room with a small orange thing resting on its chest.

"Space," it confirmed as my classroom fell to bits.


	14. Chapter 14

Raised by GLaDOS

"Do you have any idea what you have done? Both of you have caused severe damage to the school, nearly killed about three people and sprayed a dangerous chemical on school premises and..." Dumbledore began angrily, he was furious. Something to do with a troll crashing into his school obviously and both me and Katie wondered why they were being told off over this. I'm not too sure as to why but someone needed to get the blame I supposed.

"Saved the school from a giant troll in the process," I interjected; they seemed to be forgetting the whole saving the school thing.

"Don't speak to the headmaster like that," Snape scolded with his hood on, the heads of houses had been called but Snape did look out of place and that was with one half goblin, a gardener and a woman whose icy glare could freeze blood. I suppose his pink hair really did not look intimidating if he was telling a student off. Or in general now thinking about it.

"I would love not to but I was taught to speak the truth, unless there is a good reason, you know testing, destruction the rest of it," I replied trailing off when I realised just how much GLaDOS had lied over the years.

"I do not care what you were taught, you have caused the complete destruction of a tower in an effort to stop a monster that the staff could have stopped with much less effort," Dumbledore interrupted sternly. Arrogance much?

"Yes but you weren't, Katie wasn't doing too well on her own and I wasn't doing much better with her honestly but here we are, you weren't there and it was a difference between life and death," I pointed out much to the teacher's shock that someone would contradict Dumbledore of all people . Obviously he was something of a God to most of this lot,

"And besides it wasn't really our fault that a metal ball hit the troll in mid-air and destroyed a tower in the process," Katie pointed out; we were in the air after all.

"I see and this same ball that happened to be seen with you and the one your guardian mentioned in some vague form would be attending," Dumbledore wondered aloud, did she? That sounded like something GLaDOS would do,

"In fairness Albus there were two more when we spent about an hour trying to get into his dormitory," Flitwick pointed out, I found out he had been involved in a long conversation with Curiosity who to him seemed interesting while his colleagues tried to remove the hole in the floor obstructing their entry. It had not worked

"Oh yes your dorm, should we mention the bullying tactics you employed to remove people from your dorm?" Dumbledore asked me with angry eyes, the teachers were seemingly unnerved and this was one of the first times they had seen him angry. I must have a talent of winding Dumbledore up.

"Again, he did start it and I finished it with magic that your staff couldn't get around, well I call it magic but still it's better than whatever you tried. Anyway your one to talk, am I going to mention the fact you tried to get two of your students to befriend me and lure me into Gryffindor or the fact you tried to put me in the care of my aunt," I countered with the same angry expression he was giving me.

"You are in her care and if your guardian does not stop with her threats and destruction of ministry property then she will end up in Azkaban," Dumbledore warned angrily.

"How many owls has she killed now? Ignoring the kidnapped phoenix..." I began but never finished

"Mr Potter do not exercise such cheek!" McGonagall shouted, ok maybe she was right to some extent

"Sorry your guardian kills birds?" Katie asked looking confused, she had good reason I mean it was not something you heard in common parlance.

"Yeah, it's a complicated phobia involving a potato and getting close to a nuclear explosion, long story," I told her then something hit me, Azkaban? I had heard that name before

"Sorry rewind what's Azkaban?" I asked trying to sound innocent

"A prison Mr Potter, where all magical criminals are punished to the..." Dumbledore began employing a scare tactic that... oh God. GLaDOS had mentioned the name but not what it was and without me testing she... Uh Oh. Knowing her she wouldn't have even mentioned her plans indirectly before she was going to act.

"Ok as I note you may want to put more security in this prison at some point between now and the next ten minutes," I suggested trying to sound innocent.

"The prison is a fully guarded Mr Potter but that is not why we are here, you need to accept that you cannot take matters into your own hands and also your total..."

Ten Minutes later- Sirius Black

Nearly ten years I had been in here, ten years of everyone thinking I'm some kind of traitor and yet every day I wake up knowing I'm not. The Dementors can't understand why I'm not dead or depressed; they hang around outside trying to make this place even more miserable. My cousin just cackles ninety nine percent of the time and slowly I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get out of here. I try to change whenever I can but it's hard, very hard in fact seeing as my cousin might see or someone else. Hang on is there something in the air? Other than the sewage and death of course, but jokes aside there was something else.

"What's that?" I asked aloud. The Dementors aura had changed quite considerably in fact, suddenly it was less emotionally crippling and more confused, was something going on? Was it wishful thinking that I was going to be released; what am I thinking of course it is! Hope is dangerous and if the Dementors weren't confused they would take it away but something was wrong. I couldn't tell what but something was going on. One of the Dementors were moving towards the end of the corridor when I heard a high pitched childish voice; had the ministry sent a child here! No even they wouldn't be that cruel.

"I don't blame you!" it announced suddenly and the Dementor was hit by a thousand rounds of bullets, it tore the cloak clean off and it fled away as it was hit by an endless barrage of metal.

"Hello," another voice announced from somewhere else,

"What's going on?" Bellatrix demanded, she was in the cell opposite and most of our imprisonment had consisted of verbal battles between us, what a monster! I often wanted to lean over and tear her to pieces and... Why has a Dementors head just landed outside? Literally with a slight thud and a lot of dust half a twisted looking skull was on the floor, it's mouth was slightly open but half of its jaw had been blown away by whatever was inside.

"The Dark Lord has come for us!" Bellatrix announced jumping up with a cackle, her eyes were insanely wide but I disagreed, Voldemort would not use something like this, these were bullets, the metal caps destroying Dementors. He hated all muggles so I doubt very much he would use them against creatures who would always serve him, besides he couldn't be back right? He was dead!

"Target acquired!" the childlike voice announced and after another round of gunfire the Dementors had cleared out, I could see them zoom out of the window, trying to get as far away from the prison as possible. Ok whatever was here had scared them good and I turned waiting to see whatever was here to destroy me.

"Hello," a strange oval with spider like legs faced me, a bright red dot in the middle shone into my eye and six spider legs looked welded roughly onto it. This was something very odd, it wasn't magic but something else, something I had a strange feeling was...

"_Hello?" _a mechanical crude female voice rang out in the air, everyone including me jumped back in surprise.

"My Lord?" Bellatrix questioned, she may be insane but she knew Voldemort was a man, I was less sure but here we are.

"_Yes? Is this thing on? Chell put more on the amplifier, I know your chubby fingers get in the way but do it," _the voice spoke more to itself or this mysterious other and I'm sure I heard a tut from the background.

"_Ok, inmates of Azkaban I have good news for you, today is the day I get you out of this place," _the voice announced but it had a slight sarcastic or dark ring to it, something that made me slightly suspicious the cheers ringing through the prison were misplaced.

"_Ok and the bad news is the rest of your lives is going to be spent with me and your average life expectancy is now around two weeks," _it finished confirming my thoughts and filling the prison with confused shock.

"_Ok then, activate protocol nine," _the voice announced silkily and suddenly the oval things exploded in white gas, it filled the air before I could blink and in a few seconds I had breathed it in and felt the clutch of unconsciousness take hold.

Meanwhile-Harry

"Are you done yet?" I asked wondering if Dumbledore was ever going to stop lecturing us on how we should have let each other die and let the professionals handle it. I'm pretty sure those two sentences contradict each other.

"Mr Potter your lack of respect is getting to a point where it is," Dumbledore began angrily but he was distracted suddenly but the appearance of a large white owl that had appeared in at the window. Gently he took the note accompanying it and me and Katie looked at each other, she was as bored as me but even she was surprised I could talk to the headmaster like this. Depends when your computerised mother does it you find it much easier to do it,

"How on earth..." Dumbledore asked aloud, then quick as a flash he shot me a cold glare

"Miss Bell you may go," he announced gravely,

"Albus I must protest, she is just as responsible..." Snape began angry to see anyone getting away with whatever crime we had committed.

"You may go," he told her and she shot me an apologetic look

"Go on!" I encouraged practically feeling what this was going to be about, she didn't need to stay here for this. At least she was off the hook, then again I'm not too sure why we were on it. We saved the school at the cost of a tower and I'm pretty sure Fred and George launched Space, we kept their names out of it because this was overly destructive for them but we were in the air.

"You mentioned earlier we should increase security in Azkaban prison, I have just been informed there has just been a mass breakout and by mass I mean not a single person is left," he explained darkly looking at me with suspicion. The teachers looked horrified and all turned on me

"I did!" I confirmed nodding, maybe it was wrong to wind them up about it, I don't care.

"How did you know there was going to be a breakout?" he asked almost gently, so he was going back to nice old man well that was not going to work on me.

"I didn't, you can't call it a breakout," I told him with a smile

"Potter do you understand how serious this is? The Dark Lord's old supporters will want to come after you, that will be the first thing they do, you must!" Snape growled also obviously worried about his own skin just as much... well it seemed his own skin was the main concern.

"No they won't," I told him in a very relaxed voice, they were in Aperture, I know GLaDOS and she had been searching for more test subjects for a long time, a magical prison full of wizards was the best possible thing she could find.

"Arrogance just like your..." Snape spat

"Not arrogance I just know where they are and I promise you they will not be enjoying themselves right about now, don't worry knowing GLaDOS you'll find the boides in a few months," I told them before jumping up and strutting out the room while they tried to process what I just said.

"Is this Glad person his guardian?" Snape asked suddenly

"Yes I think so, well she was not any more," Dumbledore replied quickly, he looked up at Snape and the two of them quickly worked out what Harry was taking about. A place where all their owls had vanished and all journey's the aurors made to find the location came up with nothing, a woman who threw Dumbledore to the floor and threatened him. All of it was adding up

"Who the hell have we taken on?" McGonagall demanded.


	15. Chapter 15

Raised by GLaDOS

"_Faster! Faster dammit_!" was the strange robotised voice I ended up waking up to, a voice I had gotten used to not hearing when I woke up it seemed had decided to pay me a visit. Wait? What?  
"Oh God," I sighed as I slowly climbed out of bed and looked out the window to see seven owls tied to a white box with a glowing robot watch yelling at them. At first I thought Rick or Curiosiy did something but they were out helping space with a project, apparently she agreed to it during the whole fling him at a troll deal which I had been blamed for.

"_Owl I will rip you to shreds now faster!" _the voice demanded once more and I wondered if I should write to GLaDOS and let her know owls don't speak English, then again it might not be a good idea as me and Chell spend three years trying to convince her there wasn't some sort of bird illuminati conspiring against her. I decided to leave it as the owls hovered outside, obviously unable to get the box through the window. Instead I took it and after detaching them the owls fled to freedom and the watch with GLaDOS on it was taken too, it was a recorded message anyway knowing her and besides it was better the owl dropped it than I had it. Anyway what was with the box?

_Harry _

_In response to your request I have enclosed one mark III Aperture Science Military Grade family friendly Turret, Insurance policy demands I point out that this should not be used in the presence of a child or indeed a family. Instructions enclosed, hope you are well and yes before you ask I was the one who burgled Azkaban of those prisoners and tell that old guy I won't be returning them; alive anyway. Chell says nothing (No I said hi!) she __hasn't __hacked my damn word processor (Have) and no she is not missing you (Actually missing you a lot and so is she)_

_Regards (Lots of Love) _

_GLaDOS, Chell and Fawkes (wait how did he get in there?) _

So Chell hacked GLaDOS's word processor again? Last time that happened I think she ended up sending a really odd letter to the Prime Minister, now the response was even stranger considering the joke context but here we are. Anyway that turret arrived and now looking at the metre high box I wondered how it could be anything else; also I wondered how the hell those owls carried it without dying, but GLaDOS hated birds so I'm sure she found an inventive way. Ok instructions, I won't be needing them as I know how these things work, the packaging however was something else entirely and after a small fight which was half-hearted for so early in the morning I pulled the shiny white oval-shaped turret out of the box. I removed the portal on the floor so I could get out and also so no one walking past got shot, that would be really difficult to explain to the parents. _Sorry Sir but I left a portal on and my pet turret shot your son/daughter to death for walking past, _ok scratch difficult I'm going to go with near impossible. Maybe I should replace the bullets with something less... oh it looks like I can't seeing as there is a nano building sticker on it. Apeture stickers in my experience were never good but in this case it seemed intriguing.

"Nano building?" I questioned, maybe this was a new model seeing as I had never seen one with that in it before, the bullets lasted about twenty-four hours and I still have no idea how they back so many in but what does the nano part do? Ehh I'm sure it's nothing and with no further concerns I flicked the on switch. Immediately a red laser sprang to life and pointed at the door, it was working

"_Hello," _the childish robotic voice greeted as my door swung open. Now I think about it the Ravenclaw common room was really easy to get into, all you needed was the right answer and two pranksters in Gryffindor would have found it easy, however that was not the main thing going through my mind when they opened my door. No what was going through their mind was whatever prank they were thinking of enacting, what was on my mind was how many bullets would be going through their mind when the turret realised they were targets. Which was instantly; least I know Aperture equipment is effective. Though seeing as the turret had swivel capabilities I made a good call based on sound judgment.

"Duck!" I screamed diving to the floor in a hurry and luckily the twins took my warning and dived to the side of the door as an endless barrage of bullets punched into the wall where Fred and George were standing not a few seconds before. Serves them right for breaking in a little voice in my head said, however most of my head was focused on keeping it attached to my body seeing as the turret was shooting wildly from left to right. Then it stopped, then Fred checked to see if the coast was clear and another hundred or so bullets ploughed into the wall and I'm sure he felt a bullet shoot through his hair. I hit the power button the second it was over, which was contained inside the body of it so that was a risk and a half.

"You two, never surprise me like that again!" I gasped the second the crisis was over

"I think we're both going to remember that," George announced suddenly looking at the bullet ridden wall which would have been their corpses if not for their beater reactions, and me turning off the turret of course.

"And I also think I'm going to need some new underwear," Fred finished solemnly.

Later

"You did what!" Cho demanded as we walked through the hall, Katie, Fred and George were with us and they were just telling an interesting story about almost being shot to death.

"He tried to kill us!" Fred accused only half joking

"I saved you! If I hadn't of turned that thing off then you would have been there for... that's a good question actually," I muttered realising I had no idea how long it would take for the bullet building nano-bots to run it, possibly never knowing Aperture.

"Sorry why do you have a powerful weapon inside a school?" Katie demanded looking confused,

"I didn't really want people walking into my room, and they won't seeing as the bullets in the wall tell a short story, a story about walking into this room gets you killed. That kind of story and besides no one got hurt," I defended,

"Ok how did you get one?" Cho asked realising getting your hands on military grade weapons were not easy things

"My guardian makes them," I told her as if it was nothing, which to me it was but to others maybe they saw me living with an arms dealer worrying or strange.

"Ok my next question is it still switched on?" Cho asked looking alert; as if expecting to hear gunfire any second now

"Yes, "I answered "But don't worry I keyed in all our faces it won't fire at any of us,"

"Touching," Katie commented dryly

"Look at these two George, So ungrateful,"

"Yeah I mean they didn't get nearly,"

"Torn apart by bullets and now they're,"

"Not thanking Harry for trying to stop them getting torn apart by bullets," George finished with a slight tut as the five of them walked through the corridor.

"Harry just out of interest are you trying to wind Dumbledore up?" Katie wondered aloud remembering some of my threats from the other day

"Yes," I confirmed without a shadow a doubt.

Aperture

Ahh the joys of having test subject again, over three hundred of them all locked away in chambers ready to be tested on again and again until they died. This lot was last me a few years and then I could find more prisoners to steal, this could not be better, anyway today's test was a... maybe I'll let the subject decide. Now which room to choose, which one indeed... ahh look a cashier from the nice Goblin bank which I didn't destroy, apparently he helped some guy try to rob it; he'll be perfect for this. I zoomed in on his relaxation rooms which all the former inmates were now enjoying, they had a bed, bath and a TV which some had worked out how to use; not many though but if they wanted the good they had to live with the bad. Which was me testing on them as humans for some reason don't like it and those who don't want the good, they're getting tested on to. It was the best of both worlds for me.

"_Greetings_ [subject name here] _and welcome, you have been selected to take part in today's tests and to show you [_subject name here] _that we care about you we are going to let you choose your test through the lottery... pick a number between one and hundred!" _ I finished with a demand while watching the pug nosed man who was allowed to work with Goblins look confused. God this had better not take long

"_Pick a number, you used to work with numbers all the time before you betrayed the Goblins by abusing their trust and helping a failed heist," _I ordered ensuring he would feel the maximum possible guilt from my words.

"Ok umm... umm... ten," the man finished weekly as if he was unsure it was a number..._execute sigh program. _Ok just for annoying me he is getting one of the worst tests

"_Ok you have selected experimental bone replacement therapy." _I decided enjoying this rigged in my favour game and also enjoying watching him squirm.

"No, No... No! Please let me out!" he begged evidently terrified by the prospect, it was so good to see the beads of sweat forming and oh God this was going to be fun.

"_Sorry it was your choice, now let me get the drill," _I told him with a smile,

"Wait what if I told you that you could live forever?" the man asked suddenly, wait what? Interesting?

"_I'd say telling me more may save your life," _I lied in response thinking of the testing benefits, he nodded and then he began to paint a picture about some kind of magical stone which secretes a liquid that gives immortality to those who drink it (already have it!) and turns anything to gold but what got me was the fact all his vital signs says he wasn't lying.

"_And how would you know of such a thing_?" I asked wanting to catch him out

"That was what the man I helped was trying to steal, I let him in and he got the stone before giving me some gold and leaving was the plan but it didn't work and I had no idea who he was," the man told me and I considered this. If it was at Hogwarts then I didn't really need this man and I already had the bone drill worked up and the play-doh like bone ready for implementation.

"_Aperture would like to thank you for being so helpful, however you are no longer needed by administration so are being downgraded to test subject once more, please wait so I can grab my bone drill and I can get to work_," I told him and I watched in delight as he paled and shook before a hole opened above him and sucked him upwards. It would take him to the medical room where I would begin my testing, testing without anaesthetic this time but I'm sure it will be fine. For me anyway.


	16. Chapter 16

Raised By GLaDOS

Chell

So which one was Sirius Black? There was rows and rows of rooms filled with prisoners and while the first night had them all sleeping soundly the screams of the second night kept us all up. I have no idea and no interest in what GLaDOS was up to but I feel touched she didn't do it to me during the many tests I did with her, I'm not sure if not torturing someone is a sign of goodwill or not.

"Who are you?" a shrill woman with messy blond hair demanded looking at me with pure disgust, I ignored her and cut through the rows of people

"Oi you!" another woman hissed angrily banging on the door, I ignored her but before I could move on. I needed to be quick as Harry would be back this time next week, Christmas was coming up.

"Bella insulting someone is not the best way of getting them to talk to you," a man with raggedy hair resembling a dog of some kind retorted

"Shut up Sirius," the woman spat answering my question and I spun around to see this Sirius Black person, if anything he was rather handsome despite being thin and dirty. No! I'm here for Harry not me and anyway, I activated the lie detector from when these rooms were interrogation chambers during one of the wars Aperture offered to help in my testing on prisoners.

"Hello?" the man asked wondering why I had not spoken

"Consorting with muggles, I always wondered why your mother was so proud," the woman... Bella or whatever announced, I walked over to her cell and pushed the soundproofing button.

"Thanks for that," Sirius smiled as Bella punched the glass behind me, what an unpleasant person... I'd put her in for one of the more extreme tests GLaDOS did. Wow just thinking that means I'm becoming more like her, needed to watch out

_Are you Sirius Black _I typed into a panel just outside the door, I needed to be sure who he was and also ensure he wasn't going to strangle me when I opened the door. I pointed at the TV and after a while he took the hint,

"Yes!" he confirmed to me with something resembling a smile; at least he was polite

_Why are you in prison? _I typed next

"I was framed," he muttered and after seeing my raised eyebrow he delved into an explanation, a lot of prisoners would claim innocence so my disbelief was warranted. However once he finished I considered what he said, it made sense but this was a prisoner after all

_You knew Harry's parents, _ I typed after a while wanting to know more about my adoptive son's family, he nodded.

"You know Harry?" he inquired looking shocked

_I raised him, well we did. Me and the woman who talks to you through the speakers _ I told him but he still looked confused.

"I thought Dumbledore was going to look after him, he was going to be given to his Aunt and Uncle," Sirius looked concerned for Harry now and I considered. Uncle? Of course Vernon Dursley, wow I haven't thought of him for years.

_The Porn addict who tried to give Harry in as a human guinea pig? _ I typed wanting to make sure I had the right person

"Dursley?" he questioned and I nodded we were on the same page.

_He's dead, after the supercomputer in charge of this place woke up she killed everyone except for Harry, me and a few others who are in cryo-sleep, she won't be waking them up _I told him through type

"Supercomputer?" he questioned, I forgot he was a wizard; he just seemed normal ,

_Complicated but we raised him here, he's at Hogwarts now _I informed the man who did seem worried about Harry, maybe he was ok to let out.

"_For crying out loud let him out! This is painful to watch," _GLaDOS declared over the intercom sounding exasperated.

GLaDOS

If I had a God I'd cry out to him/her, but as I am a God for the love of me explaining things to a wizard was hard, It was a good thing he was Harry's godfather. Or I'd try to make his brain more absorbent through invasive means. Speaking of bf bloody violence by air senses have just detected birds approaching, it's time for the mail.

"_Don't look at me like that!" _I hissed to Fawkes who was perched on the top of my chassis looking down disapprovingly. What did he not want me to kill other birds? Jealousy much? Oh wait he's a moral being so he thinks what I'm doing is wrong. Oh well, how should I end them today; two can be burnt, three shot and one can be fed to the one left other to create a super bird. Wait that's a bad idea, a super bird would be harder to kill... just merge their bones together and send it back to that moron minister.

Ten minutes of bird murdering I had the post, ok what do we have? one saying I' m no longer Harry's guardian again but I'll ignore that, another demanding I face charges for kidnapping and another saying I will be investigated over prisoner disappearances as of today . Apparently they sent aurors and I must assist them in any way I can. NO! As if any auror could find..

"_Warning unknown entity detected above the enrichment facility, exhibiting signs of the genetic condition known as M.A.G.I.C," _the announcer announced as was his job . Ok it seems by luck they apparated above me, well this was going to be a lot more fun than I thought.

Harry

Quirrel was possibly the worse teacher in the school, Snape was terrible but at least his humour was almost as entertaining as GLaDOS though he doesn't know it's humour. Quirrel is just annoying, his stutter I could get over if he wasn't using it as a way to explain why he couldn't teach. I mean he spent the lesson giving us the same instructions but dragging them out for about ten minutes each time. It was annoying more than anything

"Now w...w...when you h...hold," he began talking again as he struggled to teach a spell he should have taught us three weeks ago. However there was something different about him today, he seemed like he was in pain or something, it seemed odd. He was a teacher if he wanted to not be in pain the obvious solution was to go the hospital wing or maybe the nurse kicked him out because she didn't know what he wanted. Sometimes I wonder if he even has a stutter, it was like when GLaDOS once pretended to have a computer virus so she could pretend she wasn't thinking when she made a test chamber eighty foot tall with a few hundred lasers.

"Remember to p...put your," he went off again and it just seemed like he was putting it on for some reason, I just don't know what he could gain from pretending to stutter other than a get out free card from the terrible teachers union. Then I saw it, he had a large bite mark on his leg, I just caught a glimpse because he was trying to hide it I think due to long clothing. Ok so in a magical school he had a bite, what could make a bit that big? Why was it around a school and what was with Quirrel. Looks like I had a mystery on my hands, one I would not pursue unless it was convenient and a mystery that would probably reveal more about what type of person Dumbledore hired than anything else.

Night

"_This way_," Rick urged, he had decided in all his wisdom to get me up during the night apparently he wanted my help investigating something. However it was midnight so I was not overly happy with his choice in timing.

"Rick what is so important that couldn't wait until morning?" I asked the green core as he floated down the hall, he was heading towards the third floor for some reason. Hopefully this wouldn't be the way to supposed slow and painful death,

"Have you ever heard of an adventure starting in a morning?" Rick asked sounding almost insulted; again he had no idea what he was talking about but if I let him fly around so late he would probably give Filch a heart attack. Eventually we arrived at a door, we were evidently in the forbidden corridor which I only noticed when I had managed to wake up fully

"What are we doing here?" I asked lowly, then I heard something, a deep growling was coming from the other side of the door.

"What's going on?" I asked Rick with a raised eyebrow,

"We're on an adventure, now we need to find out what's on the other side of this door, so open it," he explained.

"Why couldn't you do this yourself?" I asked him dryly

"I'm not going in there, can't you hear the growling!" he announced shaking his head; oh so it was fine for me to go in there!

"I'm not going to open it then!" I told him,

"Well this adventure has hit stalemate, we could either resolve this with words, a fight or I could shout out loud until someone comes," he muttered. We both know if he did that someone would come running, he would fly away and I would be caught.

"Your blackmailing me," I stated and he gave no confirmation either way. I knew the answer was yes however.

"Fine I'll open the door," I conceded knowing it would be quick; besides this is a school so I doubt someone would put something dangerous inside... that's a three-headed giant dog. Yes a giant dog was sleeping soundly on the floor, three heads all snoring while exposing razor sharp teeth which looked able to tear a core apart. I briefly considered throwing Rick in before closing the door.

"The hell!" I exclaimed the moment the door was closed and I was a safe distance away, I waited for the monster to jump out of the wall but it didn't. At least not yet

"Well mystery solved, adventure done, let's go home," Rick decided seeming content

"So you're not disturbed by the giant three-headed dog in a school, where people's children live and learn?" I asked him

"Nah, let's leave that to the education officer," he confirmed floating away, while I back in the land of sanity was wondering why Dumbledore would allow this. I mean he was an idiot, annoying, confusing and more but was he really going to allow something like this to occur. The answer was obviously yes and I wondered who the hell put him in charge of this school, did he have some kind of dementia? Just because he defeated a dark wizard does not give him the power to feed kids to a giant dog. Or did it in this world, if it did then I was going back to Aperture, and if not then this dog was a problem. Well not so much as a dog, more of a gargantuan nightmare but I wasn't going to go near it again. No I was going to stay away from that for a while, then again it was on a trap door now I think about it so maybe it was guarding something. If so what and why did someone say ignore obvious security designs such as a lock and a bigger door that was perhaps sealed, a team of guards, the old fashioned security types and instead opt for the giant three-headed dog option? Well I doubt people would try to steal... Quirrel had a bite on his leg, this was how he got it. He tried to get through the dog and got bitten, well that explained that but what was it guarding that was so valuable?


	17. Chapter 17

Raised By GLaDOS  
"And now!" Flitwick squeaked as I three six stunners at the dummies he had set up in his office; I had taken him up on his previous offer for lessons in exchange for lessons on portals. The three stunners shot through the air and hit the dummy on the chest; head and arm, blowing the arm clean off and showering the nearby area with dust.

"Well done Mr Potter," he clapped vanishing the dust, it was better than what happened last time, the stunners had hit the wall and an unlucky house elf who had wandered in; it was all fine; we think.

"Now do you have anything for me?" Flitwick asked with hope clearly present in his voice; he had been excited about the prospect of portals for some time, he had seen them used once when the teachers tried to get into my room. Something that had not been repeated; I know because there weren't any bullet ridden teachers recently, I smiled at him and using the summoning spell pulled the portal gun to me.

"Ok this is the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, sorry if GLaDOS finds out I didn't mention Aperture she may skin me, anyway if you would put your arm through here," I guided as if I was an advertising person. Luckily Flitwick's scholar side had taken over and he put his hand through the white gun shaped device and gripped the handle within. It took up his entire arm and it looked heavy; however for the sake of progress he was willing to hold it; he needed to meet GLaDOS she would love him.

"Ok now there is a button on the left and a button on the right," I guided knowing how they worked from too many years of experience; I could probably make one if I could find a small black hole.

"Ok now if you push one of the..." I began but never finished as Flitwick swung the device and fired a blue portal at the ceiling. Instantly the oval appeared with its milky blue insides waiting to connect with the orange portal. Flitwick looked curious and studied it intently

"Now if you press the other," I tried to explain but his finger slipped and the orange portal opened beneath my feet, I fell through it and then found I was stuck in the infinite loop. I would fall through forever unless he saved me, I waited for him to open a portal which would land me safely on the floor without much pain.

"Fascinating," I heard him squeak as he examined the portal in action; I'm sure it was but there was the very small issue of saving me.

"Open"

"Another,"

"One," I said as I fell; gaining more and more speed and the longer he waited the faster I would go, that could cause some issues if I hit something, wall destroying issues and broken bones were the main ones.

"Oh ok," He decided realising the infinite predicament I was in, however I should have given him more instructions. He opened a blue portal, if he had opened an orange one I would have landed feet first but the blue one did something else. Such as throwing me across a room and causing me to end up in a daze with my head recovering from a blow, a blow coming from a wall which luckily was not coated in blood. Nothing was broken; good

"So how does it work?" Flitwick asked still studying the gun intently, I sighed wondering how I could compress the knowledge of black holes; dimensions and more into one night. GLaDOS spent less time giving me the talk and that was an awkward conversation.

Later

"So what you got planned for Christmas?" Cho asked as we walked along the hall, it was lunch time and as I was a first year I got the afternoon off as it was Friday; a good thing seeing how tired I was. Flitwick had asked a lot of questions and I got away at midnight; he reluctantly let me take the gun but I did not trust anyone with it. He literally threw me into a wall with it

"Nothing much, going back home. GLaDOS is going to make a Christmas dinner according to her letter, God knows she has enough birds anyway what about you?" I asked her

"Visiting family back home," Cho replied looking wary, from what I gathered her parents were strict people and I'm guessing her relatives were slightly worse judging by her face.

"You sound thrilled," I commented dryly

"They can be a bit..." Cho made a gesture which could signify one of many things but I did not have time to question, no as we entered the Great Hall to find Fred engrossed in the paper.

"Hey look an auror team has gone missing after trying to arrest a dangerous suspect, apparently this suspect was armed to teeth with... lemons?" he questioned not looking up. For I moment I didn't blink then he looked up remembering what GLaDOS had said to his mother.

"That could be any maniac with combustible lemons," I defended already knowing it was her; she sent a letter a week to the minister of magic about how she was going to burn his house down with lemons. Obviously when he sent aurors he jumped to the conclusion she had something to do with it; an attempt to ridicule her I think.

"Whose dumb enough to be threatened by a lemon?" Katie demanded proving to me it didn't work

"Harry can we meet your guardian please?" Fred wondered realising the same thing I did, however he was thinking of the things she could give him; if she could make a lemon scary to well trained aurors what could she give them. Most likely she would give them in exchange for intimate and painful tests.

"I'd make sure your house is still standing first," I advised knowing GLaDOS's tendency to wreck revenge in bizarre and destructive ways.

"We're missing something aren't we," Katie commented not understanding the conversation well, she was right.

"You are," Fred confirmed.

Meanwhile- Sirius

"This place is huge!" I announced as me and Chell went up the elevator; the voice; GLaDOS I think her name is told me Chell's name. Nice name, anyway the outside of the elevator was glass and through it I could see miles. Tiled rooms, tubes, cubes and more and the building looked like it went even further downwards.

"_I know, shut up about it," _GLaDOS commented from seemingly nowhere and I noticed Chell rolled her eyes. The voice was rather arrogant and omnipresent so it made her annoying. She decided to make a rather rude comment while I was in the shower and scolded me for covering up. Something about her not being human but it's the principle.

"I'm guessing she annoys you too?" I asked her and the mute woman gave an affirmative nod

"_I'm not sure if you nodded or gravity grabbed one of your many chins but Mr Black there is still space in the rectal penetration test!" _she warned and Chell smiled while I looked wary. How this voice could call Chell fat I don't know; she was slim; muscular even and honestly she looked good, pretty even. Lovely long hair, great legs thanks to her wearing what GLaDOS called testing shorts which I think made up for every comment she could ever make.

"_Warning the blood seems to be moving downwards in Mr Black's body," _ GLaDOS commented with a sly tang to her false voice; she was annoying and even Chell smirked at that.

"So what do you do around here?" I asked aloud, Chell had been showing me around these past few days and I was given a room similar to the cell I was in but there was no lock on the door; that I knew off.

"_We test," _GLaDOS provided the answer

"Test?" I queried now I think of it she had mentioned it a lot over the last few days, almost once every ten minutes; what did she mean by testing anyway; what was she trying to achieve.

"_Now as I like you more than the rest of the scum we took from Azkaban and you're not one of the aurors I'm considering burning because they are not doing much; you I think will be on physical testing. You and Chell here will be on co-operative testing, Blue and Orange are on a break in the radioactive pits of this place so you take over," _GLaDOS announced ignoring my question completely.

"Could you call me Sirius?" I asked, "Mr Black" or "Oi you" kind made me feel old or undervalued.

"_Analysing voice, cross checking voice patterns, is that a chat up line!" _GLaDOS half screamed, Chell spun around in alarm with shocked eyes as this computer misunderstood my words.

"_Listen here! There will be no, I repeat NO fluid transfers of any kind with anything! Not a companion cube, not an elevator, a truck so Chell's also out, or me! GOT IT?" _GlaDOS screeched into the elevator she wasn't able to resist a fat joke about Chell also it seemed. Chell was currently propped up against the wall in silent laughter; literally she was lost in giggles with what GLaDOS interpreted.

"Not what I meant," I soothed her really the idea of me and a giant machine was not a good one, Chell and depending on the machine perhaps.

"_Good, because I don't lower myself to mating with primates, also while I'm here you can stop moving your blood around your body because it is annoying my sensors," _GLaDOs scolded.

"Are you going to stop laughing?" I asked Chell who shook her head while struggling to stand up; obviously GLaDOS's reaction had been funny to her and honestly if the roles were reversed it would have been very funny.

Twenty Minutes later

This was the greatest fun I have ever had, these portals are amazing, I could soar through the air and plummet to the ground while popping up someone else. Me and James could have ruled the school with one of these, the puzzles were hard but not too hard and normally with some direction from Chell we got through them. For a mute she could really boss you around; speaking of which she was pointing me up. I got the message and fired one portal up high and went through it via the wall, then I jumped off a platform that had been hidden a hundred feet up and opened a portal beneath me. I slipped through it and was flying through the air and landed on a platform opposite with portal-proof walls as I called them.

Then I pressed the button and done! This was amazing, despite the hospital feel due to the polished white tile walls and smell of disinfectant. I jumped back down with grace and after a few portals helped me get back on my feet I was done. Chell grinned and walked onto the next chamber; I just dodged the lasers when I went ahead of her, lasers this was the stuff dreams were made off. It was amazing and with the portals it was like Quidditch but better because there are lasers and giant floating blue things. To Harry this must have been like one giant playground when he was little; I was looking forward to seeing him and I would be in a few weeks; he was coming home for Christmas. GLaDOS said she was considering taking me to piss of a few people she did not like. Dumbledore I believe was among them judging by her reference to the bearded twat, the guy who made me sit in a prison for so long despite him knowing I would never betray James and Lily. Despite GLaDOS being odd, rude, mental, a psychopath, hot tempered, murderess, test crazy and committing crimes against humanity I preferred her to Dumbledore. She wouldn't backstab you! No she'd look you in both eyes through a camera and stab you a lot; I heard her do it earlier.


	18. Chapter 18

Raised By GLaDOS 

Making an android body was one of the best decisions I could have made, the entire thing fit into one compact body though for some reason that convict was staring at me. Sure I was incredible and all-powerful but I told him that there would be none of that

"_You're blood's moving again," _I pointed out knowing where it was going and no I did not want to walk around with one of them in my vicinity, Chell started smirking again; another typical expression for her.

"Put some clothes on," was his rebuff,  
"Well unless those portals leeched the colour out of your eyes and yes that is a serious possibility then you can see I am wearing a black top with a short skirt, the dual core processor required for the fraction of my brain needs to be kept in one place so cannot be jiggled about so I have a tight top and some kind of underwear which holds them up" I told him gesturing to that thing human males are supposed to ogle; the chest was it? Something about the heart and lung containers made them excitable.

"_Now the skirt is because according to the flyer put out by Aperture bosses which I found in the skeleton filled staff room women in Aperture should say I quote "Show off every inch of your steamy body," it was recommending by the CEO for nine years in fact he said it represented the company so well he made it compulsory one day a month ,"_ I told him sighing. How could one person be so dense?

"I wonder why that was!" he declared sarcastically; ahh sarcasm the best tool I had but on this occasion I decided to ignore him; he didn't know much about Aperture policy but I'm sure he will soon enough; He can learn it or maybe I'll implant it into his brain. Both work,

"Wait Skeleton filled staff room?" he picked up on the other part of my sentence a few seconds later

"_Well after I took over I sort of flooded the facility with poison and I forgot to clear out some of the bodies in a few places, on a related note the new improved staff room will be open next week," _I told him with a nod,

"What's new and improved about it?" he asked looking strange

"_There is now sixty percent less dead bodies in there," _I answered and he laughed,

"You're kidding right?" he smiled, I shook my head.

Meanwhile- Harry

Dumbledore; the only person who I knew should not be running a school; in the Muggle world he would be one of those guys caught out in a sting operation. However he seemed to be under the impression I would listen to him, just before I was about to board the train he decided to tell me I would be going to my aunt's house, well my response was polite and justified.

"Sorry general rule I don't go to strange places I don't know on direction of an old man I don't trust," I had said, he had been trying this one for the last few weeks; constantly asking me if I wanted to meet my aunt and cousin; the answer had been no. I was never going to see them so why would I want to meet them, Dumbledore was just in denial.

"Wow you are brave," Cho had commented almost in giggles as we boarded the train; the headmaster had stayed back angry; he thought I would be taught a lesson when I arrived at the train station and GLaDOS wasn't there. He probably had some kind of plan, a plan that I had a dark feeling would end with a number of dead aurors; well you to make a omelette you had to break a few eggs. Eggs that would probably end up riddled with bullets but life is life.

"No I'm just exercising how I was taught stranger danger and without a gun insulting him and leaving is all I got," I told her and Cho laughed thinking I was joking; nope.

"So why are you going to your aunts? And how long have you had an aunt?" Cho asked with a frown

"I'm not going to my aunts, just Dumbledore, her and a few magical security officials think so; word of advice when you get off the train grab your parents and go, there is going to be a lot of gunfire," I warned and she laughed again but this time I was even more serious.

Sirius

Wow going to see my godson, this was a big deal; huge since I hadn't seen him since he was a baby and what would he make of me. Though if I could get my eyes of the computer's body, Christ did she not realise how she looked; Chell had been laughing but I caught her inspecting it. The computer knew how to build a body and I had a feeling if I asked her to build me one for a different purpose I would be hit by something large and made of metal.

"_Chell are you ready yet? I have two robots both made of steel and weigh a good few pounds more than you, put together obviously but they're ready and you should be to," _GLaDOS was calling as the two robots walked around. Blue and Orange she called them and sure enough their eyes were the colour of their names but one was egg shape and the other was round; both clumsy and uncoordinated but they were friendly enough. Chell when she appeared had the sense to wear a coat as it was December and she looked smart, makeup and everything made her look nicer than normal; it was a special occasion.

"_Where did you get makeup?" _GLaDOS asked looking curious, Chell made a number of signs which I did not understand,

"_Really the cosmetics lab is operational, I haven't checked down there since I gave those rabbits exploding lipstick," _GLaDOS announced aloud, Cho suddenly looked concerned.  
"_I never did get around to human testing, most of the lab was damaged because of a large explosion, tell me if you feel a slight burning on the lips then let me know because me and Sirius here will need to get a safe distance away, two or three miles should be enough," _GLaDOS told her with enthusiasm as Chell felt her lips.

"Why did you make exploding lipstick?" I asked thinking it was a strange thing to make

"_I was testing the most effective way to make rabbits explode," _GLaDOS answered seeing nothing wrong with that sentence.

"Ok, wait are you sure I should come? I mean I am a wanted man in," I began realising I could incite some degree of panic,

"_Well I was thinking the same thing and I see two solutions, one I take you with us anyway because I care very little about human ideals, possibly excluding one out of how ever many billion there are of you. Or plan B since I don't trust anyone alone here because it could end up with my brain being in a vegetable I lock you in an airtight cage and you can find out if the oxygen filters work on seventy five percent of my brain, the other twenty five is in here," _she answered pointing to her chest which caused Chell to sigh into her hands.

"I'm going to go with come with you," I decided very quickly.

Harry

The train journey took a long time, it was a steam powered train after all and it could do with an engine, perhaps also some kind of rocket propeller or just line the tracks with propulsion gel.

"So Harry the Christmas season, well as you know it is a time for giving," Fred suddenly began with a friendly grin

"You want something," I cut him off before I could go through what seemed like a marketing plot,

"Well that was quick," George commented looking like he was preparing to bring out charts indicating how generous I should be.

"Ok well we could say we want something or we could say that you generously may want to bestow a gift of your choice to us," Fred grinned.

"Is this really elaborate begging?" Katie asked looking at the twins with a raised eyebrow

"The world elaborate does not need to be in that sentence," Cho corrected looking at the two.

"Well I was thinking of getting you all gifts, " I confessed, for Cho and Katie I would probably send some jewellery, there were a lot of former "staff" or bone bags lying around the place so there was bound to be someone with a fancy necklace, bracelet or whatever. Fred and George however I knew what they wanted.

"Weren't we all?" Katie smiled looking at Fred and George, they meekly nodded indicating the opposite;

"So let's cut to the chase and end this conversation because salesmen often die when I'm around, not by me I maintain. So the question is really how many galleons of repulsion gel can I get a sleigh of owls to carry," I told the two whose eyes lit up. That was indeed what they were hoping for,

"Sorry you're going to give these two that bouncing gel?"Katie queried remembering the stuff from our Troll escapade, I nodded

"Sure,"

"You have no issues with that?" she asked in response, that was good point, there were a few issues.

"Good point, ok so you can have the gel but for the love of god do not cover yourself with it, not kidding here; the human skeleton and the gel do not get on, seriously it will tear you apart from within. Other than that do you what you want," I told them and they looked slightly worried, but I was sure they would be responsible with the gel; what was the worst they could do with gel that had the power to throw you in the air?

Chell

Ok there were three people outside the entrance to platform all of whom were looking for people and judging by their out of place robes and general look these were the police. At least the police of the magical world, I turned to GLaDOS and Sirius; the one man this people wanted more than GLaDOS right now. Then again if they tried to stop us I think I'd get a place on the wanted list; I was looking forward to seeing Harry so much it would take something very strong to get in my way.

"_Would you two hurry up?" _she asked, either she had seen them and had a plan or she hadn't seen them and had not yet worked out who they were. I was inclined to believe the former seeing as she had an analytical mind like no other.

"Umm they're the aurors, the people who want to throw me in prison," Sirius hissed in her ear

"_I know that, and no we are going to walk past them without causing any harm to ourselves," _GLaDOs rebuffed approaching the two men. The third had gone to the platform or to get a snack knowing law enforcement these days, however they looked at her once before shaking their heads.

"I'm sorry we have been told you're not allowed to enter the..." the closest man began in a deep slow voice but I realised GLaDOS would not have much time for that, so I was not entirely surprised when she jumped and managed to kick both men in the privates at the same time.  
"Remind me not to annoy you," Sirius remarked as both aurors fell to the ground after having literally a few steel tones hitting their genitals. Smiling felt mean but as Sirius looked petrified I had to laugh

"_You already have," _was her response and I just had to smile at that. So we entered the barrier and Sirius kept his head down, a few people stared at GLaDOS (surprise, surprise) but most focused on her and not Sirius, a few were staring at me for some reason. Then again they had stared back in September but I was sure that was to do with Harry, odd I suppose. However then I saw the train, it was slowly getting closer and my excitement rose as I prepared to greet my son. My son now that sounded odd but nevertheless it was true; me and GLaDOS had raised him so there was no other word for it.


	19. Chapter 19

Raised By GLaDOS

One of the first things I saw once I got out of the train was a thin woman standing near the entrance with a crude smirk on her face, a boy who looked around the size of a walrus was next to her and as her belonged neck swivelled round I worked out this was the woman Dumbledore wanted me to go with. The answer was a definite no, no instead I looked for the two shady figures in coats who were large robots, Chell and GLaDOs who was most likely in the same android body.

"Wow," Fred commented aloud looking in one direction, it looked like the hormones on Fred did the work for me, it didn't take long to find the android. Once again wearing revealing clothing and her long silky hair falling in waves; did she have a fan in her neck?

"Yep that's her," I commented

"No offence but your mum is insanely hot, I forgot over the term," Fred began wanting to make a joke

"Fred in all seriousness don't joke, if she hears she may or may not shoot you, either way you'll get hurt," I warned and his face fell once he realised I wasn't joking,

"Well Merry Christmas Harry good luck with stuff, send the repulsion gel and don't kill anyone, or do if that's your thing, bye!" he told me before running to join his mum who was glaring at GLaDOS once more with angry eyes. Obviously the previous threats were still offensive or she had new ones; hang on I noticed a man next to her, he seemed raggedy and thin; like he had been living in a cave for the last few years. Had GLaDOS replaced me or had she brought one of the prisoners along?

"Well boy you better," the woman I saw earlier who may have been my aunt walked over wanting to leave, the boy at her side was glaring at me.

"Shut up!" I spat not wanting anything to do with a woman who introduced herself as a person who called e _boy _scornfully and glared at me with such hatred.

"Oi don't you dare talk to my mum like that!" the boy spat who must be my cousin, great! Being related to that thing makes me think my DNA must be part whale somewhere along the line.

"Or? I know six ways to kill you before your reach the floor, nine ways to break your arm and she knows eighteen thousand ways to tear you to shreds," I nodded at GLaDOS who had walked over.

"_That's me, now is there a problem because I don't like solving them, I make them but if I gun can sort you out then... Wow. Chell! Chell I found one, I found a human being with a higher BMI than you, it's amazing this kid is roughly the size of a baby killer whale who has just gone to McDonalds, get the camera, its amazing!"_ GLaDOS shouted behind her looking at my cousin with interest.

"He's not fat," my aunt began

"_No humans often have the same percentage fat as a Big Mac, I mean if they made cows his size the worlds hunger problems gone_," GLaDOS responded and I was suddenly unsure if she was joking or not.

"Boy get your thinks we are..." The woman spat in reply but suddenly she found a steel grip on her shoulder

"_Now that boy happens to belong to me and it would be a problem if you took him and I would have to solve it and I don't want to, so here's a solution; walk away or I will blow your head off,_" GLaDOS offered darkly.

"How dare you!" My aunt didn't plug the fact she wasn't joking

"_I extend hand, activate gun and fire three times into your head, now as I have already killed your fat husband who I had to squeeze into the incinerator I could let you go, so I take Harry, you go home we all live it's just I live for much longer and have a much more productive life,_" GLaDOS suggested darkly preparing to fire. Her gaze made my aunt consider her options carefully

"Well if he's yours then I don't need to have him," was her response

"_Good idea, run along_," GLaDOS advised before the woman scuttled off. She looked at me eyebrows raised

"_Nice entrance_," she commented as Chell ran over, we embraced immediately, she was the woman who did the more humane raising after all.

"_Good to see you_," I told her and she nodded in response, the man suddenly looked eager

"_Oh of course I haven't introduced you, Harry meet escaped convict Sirius Black, escaped convict Sirius Black meet Harry, now encase you didn't hear ESCAPED CONVICT SIRIUS BLACK. He's also your godfather_," GLaDOS explained blowing me away with the explanation as everyone who overheard turned to gape.

"Hi," I greeted not sure what to say, however people started to murmur before he could answer.

"_People looking into your conversations!_" GLaDOS commented as well all glared at her, even the two robots were looking ready to sigh; if they could do that. Sirius suddenly looked awkward as people began to look scared

"_Don't look so worried ESCAPED CONVICT SIRIUS BLACK no one knows you're an ESCAPED CONVICT so no one should panic due to the ESCAPED CONVICT,"_ GLaDOS obviously had a reason for drawing attention to this.

"Are you doing this for fun?" he asked her as people gathered around like we were an interesting show, some people looked scared but were too engaged to stop looking.

"_No I'm doing this so these morons will run and the ten aurors will be mixed up so instead of murdering them I can escape and burn the ministry down later but seeing as everyone is watching and not running it looks like we have to go to plan B,_" GLaDOS decided extending her hand. She fired eight green flares into the air as if she was holding a wand, the effect was instantaneous and people began to run in all directions.

"_You can't call it a day unless you get an instant life imprisonment, it really refreshes you, now as you've all had time to catch up shall we go because murdering aurors with one fat bird, a convict, two idiot robots and a kid is my idea of a challenge, a challenge I don't want to take part in_," GLaDOS suggested as robed men suddenly emerged from the barrier entrance.

"Whose selling popcorn?" I wondered aloud as the men approached, the crowd was in a panic and people were fleeing through the barrier as they pushed through.

"You are under arrest for the kidnapping of ministry staff, ignoring official court orders, threatening senior ministry staff, killing ministry owls, ignoring summons, refusing to give up custody and violently assaulting an auror," the first man to reach us announced. It seemed due to him having vastly superior numbers he thought he could win, however he didn't count on one thing; and that was a twenty ton fist to the jaw which broke most of his skull

"_Ok Chell get your gun_," GLaDOs requested, Chell made a simple sign which meant two things; the first was rude and the other was _I don't have a gun_

"_Ok note to self we need guns next time we do this now, shall we leave?" _GLaDOS asked as the other aurors drew their wands.

"Yes," I agreed

"_Oh I forget welcome you back Harry I'd be slightly more polite but I have nine people to maim first!" _she told me before moving as a blur, the second closest man she shot in the leg, the third she punched and used his body as a human shield. Then she shot the fourth and fifth men before booting the sixth in the privates; I noticed Sirius wince at that. The seventh man was thrown into the train which luckily was parked and I could feel the wind go past as he was thrown. It was a pretty good shot, the eighth had a bin thrown at him and the ninth turned to run. GLaDOS shot him in the backside and that was it

"That was entertaining," Sirius commented looking nearly stunned, Chell was actually eating small bag of sweets

"Where did you get them from?" I asked her but she simply smiled and offered me one,

"_Oh I do apologise but the person who just saved you wants to leave so she can test and not have to fight any more people, so shall we go?" _GLaDOS suggested darkly.

Later- Chell

It was good to have Harry back, on the way back home he and Sirius started talking and it was nice to see them getting on and Harry having a conversation with someone other than a maniac computer who did not set the best example. Then again most of the damage had been done seeing as just after injuring ten aurors, well twelve thinking of the two who had their balls pummelled into liquid. She was just relaxing most likely connected to the internet doing more _research _into those people the old man wanted Harry to go with. I could see what they were like and if he had gone with them I would have found where they live and break down the door just to stop my Harry having to live with them. Luckily they didn't seem to argue too much when GLaDOS wanted him to come with us, it looked like they would not be back soon. Then I saw the woman, the same woman GLaDOS had argued with before as glaring at us from her seat, one of the two twins in the family was waving at Harry who had just noticed them.

"_Friends of yours?" _GLaDOS asked realising she did not have a good history with the family, she wasn't going to try and change it either but it could make things awkward.

"The twins yes, the rest no," Harry responded and she looked over, the woman was coming over and obviously had not realised that she was dealing with a dangerous person.

"What is wrong with you? Taking a convict to see Harry Potter! This is a step to far I think I need to take him," the woman began

"Mum," the second twin warned

"Shut up Fred,!" she scorned and I felt sorry for the twins, I did not like this woman and yet her family was stuck with her

"I'm not going with you," Harry confirmed and I realised this was going to end in a fight

"Yes you are! You are not safe with these people and you are coming with me!" the woman snarled, GLaDOS clicked her fingers and the two robots rose from their seats.

"_Escort this woman back to her seat boys," _she requested and the two robots picked the woman up and sat her back down.

"_Wow you two are strong, lifting that! Maybe you could life Chell one day," _GLaDOS commented as I sighed deeply at another joke while Sirius smirked and the woman went for her wand, three bullets splintered that and GLaDOS only had to raise a palm.

"_Look this body is currently in what I call relax mode, the brain is working at a lower percent and I can think and rest, now if I have to get up then I am going to shoot you, in the chest area now if you would so kindly leave," _GLaDOs suggested and the woman looked crestfallen about her wand and shut up.

"_Ahh I'm on a role today, I got my favourite test subject back, beat up twelve ministry staff and learned more about how fragile humans are. Also I managed to shut an annoying woman up and break a wand, life today is going well,_" GLaDOS explained.

"I'm your favourite?" Harry questioned and the computer laughed

"_It's not much of a competition, I have a jailbird, a large woman , two steel dummies and a wing full of prisoners, the position of favourite is not_ _a much contested positio_n," GLaDOS responded.

"Was that a compliment?" Harry asked aloud

"_I'm not sure_," GLaDOS answered.


	20. Chapter 20

Raised by GLaDOS 

"So what's your favourite Quidditch team?" Sirius asked with a wide grin as we sat in the apparently new improved staff room. It consisted of a lot of blue fabric chairs and slightly comical posters, the only improved thing to me was the lack of skeletons which had filled the room last time. There was a mini-fridge with a sign saying no Chell. She had gone off to have a shower and Sirius made a "joke" offer to join her, she didn't need speech to express her feelings over that.

"Don't have one," I answered; I had a basic understanding of the game from Katie, Fred and George, I only went when they were playing as our team seemed to using the same brain capacity as blue and orange. Meaning they had knowledge but no common sense and needed to be bossed around, the team was clumsy to. Maybe I should order some kind of android to take over the team,

"Really? Well I suppose you never saw any games around here, don't worry my boy I will teach you everything you need to know about being a man. He was talking about sport, girls, chat up lines and drinking most likely. Someone we both knew would not see it like that

"_I did that already," _GLaDOS announced over the intercom, Sirius looked up and frowned

"She gave me the talk and it was possibly the most.." I began remembering how that conversation had turned out

"_The most awkward and unrepeatable conversation of all time," _GLaDOS half warned, half shuddered through the intercom, one of her cameras was watching us from the corners and it was suddenly zoomed in on me. It was how she glared at me when I was around the facility

"That's coming from the person who explained in loving detail how she turned an escaped convict into a woman using nothing more than duct tape, a syringe and a rusty hacksaw," I told Sirius who smiled before realising something. The man who GLaDOS had found had been running across the field after escaping from prison, he had something in common with him.

"_Good times, it's a shame the mark one Aperture she-man died due to unavoidable internal bleeding," GLaDOS _announced sounding nostalgic over the intercom

"_Wait we happened to be joined by a male convict right now, aren't we Mr Black?" _GLaDOS asked silkily and Sirius paled

"What about the other prisoners?" I asked remembering how she broke into Azkaban and kidnapped the prisoners

"_Oh them? I better get around to feeding them but they're still in some kind of prison, while Mr Black is free mostly," _GLaDOS continued.

"She's joking," I told Sirius who now did not look dissimilar to cottage cheese, he smiled when he realised she was joking. In all honesty she might not have been joking

"_Warning Joke processor has just been activated, please remember all previous comments were made in all truthfulness unless you have reason to believe the processor has overheated. If that is the case please sound the alarm, check yourself for tumours and leave the facility," _the announcer explained as GLaDOS's internal functions went through an internal reboot. They had been transferred from the android to the main computer, it was a good thing they were being checked. A bad thing for other reasons.

Meanwhile GLaDOS

The bird was tweeting away in one corner of my main chamber, my brain was still loading up and one of my processors needed to reboot. All of them had been checked except one,

_"No bird you be a nicer person!_" I hissed, the stupid bond we had meant I could understand the little thing and it also meant that his good morals were being inflicted on me.

"_If I want to remove genitals I shall do so," _was my response to my next scolding, stupid thing thought it could make be a nicer person. Well the phonies suddenly had a small boulder thrown at it, one moment and a reincarnation later I had a baby phonies.

"_Just because it wasn't nice doesn't mean it wasn't funny," _I cackled as the thing protested it's treatment. Speaking of treatment someone needed to get dinner ready and as I didn't trust food around Chell that meant me, Harry was home so I thought I'd do something special.

"_Pizza and treacle tart it is then," _I decided after a few milliseconds of consideration, it was his favourite after all; it said so in his file which I had made. Now all I needed to do was detoxify the vegetables, burn the dough and genetically engineer the treacle tart, combining Science and cooking now that's the way to do it. Hang on what's that? that sounds like the owl alarm.

"_Fawkes I do not have a phobia and just because you look like a baby does not mean I will not crush you!" _I warned the bird I was stuck with for life. Now aside from Fawkes the real question was whether or not I burn or shoot this latest addition to my bird murdering collection; this one was special because it was out of schedule. Normally they came in the morning, now as the guns have just fired I better read the letter.

"_Dear Guardian Of Harry Potter, you are as of now a wanted criminal under arrest for charges of kidnapping, prison breaking, harbouring a criminal, causing grievous internal harm to an aurror, assault, failing to turn up to Wizengamot sessions and kidnapping aurors," _I read aloud, wait a moment kidnapping aurors? I was supposed to feed them? I just tested on them; well looking at the cameras now is telling me that I better put them in the skeleton closest. Well more an eighty foot burning room but I call it a closet, on the bright side only four were sent and two of them may be corrupt. Well life goes on and I made a simple mistake, I forget to feed some trespassers who I kept captive and tested on. Now what's wrong with that?

Chell

With a towel wrapped around my waist and no adventure core spying on me which I checked often just in case I wandered into my room. It was good to have Harry back and I'm surprised; he grew a bit over the term and it makes me feel old. I'm thirty seven now and was approaching twenty six when I met Harry. He's grown up; the little boy I used to know is now a real person, takes after both me and GLaDOS a bit which can be worrying. Sirius though is nice, funny to but I hope his shower joke went over Harry's head. Then again after the talk GLaDOS gave him it most likely did not

"_You know your body is currently absorbing heat, now normally I wouldn't complain but the size of the heat being absorbed is getting rather high so hurry up and dress," _GLaDOS requested politly. I jumped at this. She was spying on me? I asked her through hasty sign

"_I'm a super computer I spy on you all the time, if you live under my roof then you have to live with the cameras, as a note you might want to clean you back at bit more..." _GLaDOS continued justifying her actions terribly. I looked confused to get across I was giving her a "why" gesture

"_You'd be surprised your shower tapes get sold for ninety pounds a copy and the amount I've got I mean, well you funded the new improved staff room. I was able to buy a skeleton closet which can also hold a blue whale! Also some guy wants you to start doing more things in the shower, now his suggestions were," _GLaDOS continued. I shook my head,

"_What? Obviously humans like watching humans in the shower, no idea why but they pay," _for a supercomputer she could be really stupid. I mean there was only one reason someone would buy that and ewwww! It was me ! it feels so creepy.

"_Don't worry I only sold eight hundred copies," _GLaDOS soothed not knowing she was making everything much worse.

"_Also what's weird is I said you were the biggest I'd ever seen and someone emailed the fake store asking for a close up of them," _she was saying and I felt somewhat sick.

"_Don't worry I said no, they're only used for advertisements, movie cameos, magazines and one sex education vide but it was all censored... mostly which is a good thing because who wants to look at your fleshy body," _GLaDOS spoke more to herself than anyone else. Well that eased me slightly; at least I wasn't on porn sites or worse. Then again it was still creepy knowing she was keeping records of everything I was doing.

"_Well Sirius did offer me eighty golden coins for the uncensored version and maybe I should... wait is the public intercom button on?" _GLaDOS wondered, obviously her processors were all up and running again but what was that last thing I heard. If what I heard was true then someone in this facility may be having a few words with me and as I can't speak I'm going to condense that into fist form.

Meanwhile- Harry

The moment GLaDOS sorted out her functions was a moment too late, in that speech I had heard she was selling copies of Chell in the shower. I also learned that my godfather had found out and was bidding.

"Well you may not need to worry about the gender transfer, however you may have to worry about being beaten senseless by a mute," I warned leaving Sirius unsure as to laugh, cower or run away. If I was him I'd go for the last one.

Space

So here it is it's almost space Christmas and I want to be in Space, real space this time. So the rocket plan was working, I had space rockets, a space capsule and books making a launch platform. Now all I needed was explosives, so I looked on the dark Spacenet and found out there is a lot of people who sell things to get to space.

"_So what are you building this thing to go off in?" _a deep voiced man asked from the other end of the space phone in my space head.

"_A school," _I told him looking at the components of my space craft, a plastic circle to get into, welded onto a pointy thing like in the movies, but my pointy thing was a hat which kept talking for some reason and all I needed was a place to make explosions happen.

"I am telling you I cannot sort this!" the pointy thing said, it wanted to sort it and needed to think so it could do all the thinking in space.

"_A school! Well maybe extremes are best, what do you want to do? how much damage do you want to cause?" _the nice man from a country called Space Korea, (north mean space right)was saying over the phone. I had already tried a place called Iran which I think is in space, Russia which wants to blow America into Space and also I got a call from a man in the CIA who asked what I was doing. I told him I was in a school and was going to cause an explosion which will send me into space. Now I was talking to a man who said could get to space

"_I want to blow it to Space," _I told this man and he didn't hang up

"_Space? Well that is extreme," _he chuckled; he thought space was in extreme? Where was extreme?

"No I'm not going this extreme place I want to go to SPAAAAAAAAACE!" I shouted hoping he would hear me better.

"_Wow this guy puts whole new meaning to the world extremist," _the man said to someone and I hung up; I was not an extremist like everyone kept saying I was a spacist, and that was not space racism because that's spaceophobic. Maybe I should call that CIA man again, he seemed very eager to talk to me last time.

"Could you please let me go now?" the pointy hat asked. I can't because all rockets in the movies have a pointy thing or they don't fly, also when we get into space he can also tell me if we're going to hit a space rock.

"Help!" the hat shouted when I told him so.


	21. Chapter 21

Raised By GLaDOS 

Harry Potter, the splitting image of his father and the personality of a maniacal robot who raised him mixed in with his mother. Witty, clever and able to talk which made the other person who spoke around here a lot less appealing.

"So Harry what have you been getting up to at school?" I asked wondering if he was carrying on the legacy of the marauders , Harry grinned and realised I was not talking about lessons. I had told him a few of my past stories but I wanted to hear some of his

"Well I dyed Snape's hair pink, made on fat kid crap himself, brought one of the towers down by throwing a troll at it, scaring staff with a space core and ruined the wall opposite my dorm," Harry answered,

"Wow, you are like the son I never had, well you are my godson but wow, your father would be proud," I told him beaming

"What was he like?" Harry asked and I knew he wanted honest information about his parents, sure he had a hot mute and a robot, two of which may now want to kill me but I was always one for attracting female attention.

"Your dad, well he was a good man, the best I ever knew. He pranked the school half to death and yet he was willing to get stuck in, he fought the death eaters the first chance he got and I know he loved every second of it. He adored Lily and without her his ego would have been the size of skyscraper, think of GLaDOS," I told him. To be honest the computer did have an ego

"_I have an ego? The great and magnificent AI superior to all human intellect, just because people are better than you in every possible way doesn't mean that you need to say things about them because you think your inferior, you are but don't do it," _was her quick and instant response.

"How have you lived with her for this long?" I asked Harry, she was almost as bad as my mother, then again that was going a bit too far.

"With great effort," he responded with a smile. I patted him on the back, it was a good answer and GLaDOS didn't say anything so that was good.

"So what was mum like?" he asked next,

"Lily was a lot of things, smart, witty, persistent and she was brave, stood up to a lot a people bigger than her and your father may have been among them once during the ego years. She was a good woman, headstrong and she fought the Death Eaters too. If she hexed you then you knew about it, something would ache for a long time," I told him in all seriousness.

"What happened to them? Why did this Dark Lord person actually attack them?" Harry asked the awkward question

"No one knows but you took him down, you saved us all from an evil man, and yet ended up in the hands of someone who I would actually would Voldemort to meet," I answered not knowing the answer. Though imagine Voldemort meets GLaDOS; I could sell tickets it would be the showdown of the century.

"_I'd be up for that, He said he was immortal according to some court reports I had some duplicate aurors steal because the real ones starved and I needed spies, anyway he said he was immortal and that is a test I would like to do. How much can he go through before something happens?" _GLaDOS dreamed aloud somewhat sadistically

"Don't give her ideas," Harry warned looking solemn, I half wanted Voldemort to rise from the dead so he could meet her. Half wanted not really

"I'll try not to, so what did she put you through when you were a kid?" I asked knowing her obsession for testing

"Not much, she said she tested me before I could walk, Then as I got older the tests got bigger; I enjoy them, you get to play around and feel like you're doing something important," Harry explained thoughtfully.

"Well I can't say life's dull around here, there is always quality entertainment,"

"_I know watching you and Chell work out a test chamber is pretty funny, all seven hours of it," _GLaDOS cackled and I looked at the camera

"You kept moving the doors," I accused remembering that test where you had to push the button to open the door, however _she _kept moving the doors so the timer on the button ran out long before we even got close.

"_If you wish to make a complaint please submit it to [insert fake address here]" _was her automatic response and I wasn't sure if she meant to say that.

"Are you going to get around to actually putting those addresses in?" Harry asked suddenly

"_No then you'll work out they're fake_," GLaDOS informed us ironically.

Harry 

She wants something, the first warning light signalled when I got no response about my effort comment and the second was the lack of sarcasm when I mentioned I had been tested from a young age. Too young Sirius may have been thinking but life is life, however lack of comments led to one conclusion she wants something. The question was what, it was something only I could get her obviously and also something she really wanted;

"Ok what is it?" I asked entering the main chamber, Sirius had gone to the kitchen while also hiding from Chell who was out for his blood and I thought I'd end the days of strange flattery and gifts.

"_What's what?" _she asked swivelling her giant body towards me, I flinched at the piercing yellow light making up her optic eye

"You want something," I pointed out

"_Wow I raised you well, ok now in your school you have heard rumours of something being kept hidden from everyone else,_" GLaDOS began and I think I know what she's talking about

"You mean the three headed guard dog?" I asked her

"_Sorry what? I sent you to a school with a giant three headed dog? What the hell is this place? Anyway it might do, you see I was told by someone who died of completely unavoidable complications that there is something inside Hogwarts," _she explained and this was odd, she sounded excited like this was something I would give her as a mother's day present.

"Ok so I have the back story but I don't have the actually story," I pointed out having no clue what she wanted,

"_There is a stone, a stone that bring immortal life," _she answered

"Now I'm interested," I told her realising immortal life sounded slightly appealing, the idea of not dying was worth pursuing

"_That's the boy I raised, anyway I would like you to have a look for the stone and maybe if you find it steal it and kill anyone who gets in your way," _GLaDOS suggested meekly, ok most of that sentence was fine except the last part which sounded like something that would be a bad idea. Unless you were an all-powerful AI

"Ok I'll have a look for it, but what do I get in return?" I asked her, we did not do something for nothing in Aperture, that was something I learned a long time ago.

"_Eternal life," _she answered bluntly _"Sorry what could be better than that?" _

"How about unlimited access to all gels and experimental products that you never got around to improving?" I suggested

"_What exploding lipstick? The razor blade comb? Sulphuric Moisturiser? What would you do with that crap?" _GLaDOS asked, whoever was in cosmetics was the biggest moron of all time, these ideas weren't only terrible but plain stupid.

"That's for me to know," I answered slyly

"_Fine you can have all the crap and you can have as much propulsion and repulsion gel as you need, some of the walk on walls gel but that's it. Deal?" _she asked.

"Deal," I answered realising it was the best possible deal I would get, she was programmed to be a tough negotiator and she did not give up easily.

"_Aperture Science giving lethal experimental, bone destroying, permanent destructive materials to children, business is business. Speaking of business I think Sirius is going to cancel his Chell in the shower video," _GLaDOS warned

"Ok can we please stop talking about that? It was kinda funny but she is like a mother to be and I don't want to know about naked videos of her," I requested simply. GLaDOS laughed and the phoenix chirped

"_I know Fawkes he won't be saying that in a few years time," _she turned towards Fawkes and then back to me

"Eww," was all I said deciding to leave before this conversation got any creepier, I have no idea how it could we were talking about my adoptive mother in the shower.

"_Fine I won't mention the naked video to you unless you ask," _she vowed

_"_I won't," I assured her and she started chuckling again.

Chell

"Could you let me out now?" Sirius asked banging on the door of a round metal chamber which I had stuck him in, it was the anti gravity chamber and I thought I'd have some fun and get revenge. It was the best of both worlds,

"Please" he asked as I jammed the button for up, it was like a turbine had opened under his feet and he shot up, I pressed the down button before he could hit the ceiling. I wanted revenge I didn't want to kill him; I think.

"You have a sadistic streak you know that!" he commented as I suspended him in the air, now that was not the thing to tell someone who has your life in one finger. I would tell him these things but I instead opted for throwing him up and down a bit more

"Chell how are... what are you doing?" Harry asked walking in and I turned and waved, it was good to have him back and I wrapped him in another hug, I had really missed him over the summer and once this hiccup about a shower video was out of the way we would all have a good Christmas.

"Harry help she's torturing me!" Sirius cried and I decided to prove him wrong, not by letting him out no by playing with the gravity so he was walking on the ceiling.

"You know this woman is no very nice, I like her dominant streak though," the man had to get a joke in and he paid for that with three seconds of violent spinning.

"Now I could let him out, or I could stay and watch," Harry commented as Sirius went rather green

"How about letting me out?" Sirius suggested, instead I threw Harry a bag of popcorn

"Sorry Sirius she has popcorn," Harry told the man as I started pressing buttons again. I think I had slightly more than popcorn, being the person teaching him right and wrong and not the warped version counted for something; as did feeding him as a baby and being a motherly figure. Then again Popcorn was good too.

"Chell do you know how to get him out of that thing?" Harry asked suddenly looking at the chamber, of course I did when Harry was around five I took him down to the anti gravity chambers every week. He loved the flying and jumping around, then again this one didn't seem to have a door unlocking mechanism.

"Sorry did I hear that right?" Sirius asked looking slightly alarmed

"No no, I'm joking she can get you out any time she wants," Harry assured the man as I looked around for a release button, there was a locking one but not the opposite.

"_Really? She can barrage eight inches of solid steel and lead, she may be large but breaking through one of those deadlock doors is impossible," _GLaDOS interjected. Really not helping right now in all honesty.

"Sorry what? Can I get out or not?" Sirius asked looking concerned and he had a right to be, well I suppose this was getting back at him in many ways.

"_Don't worry [subject name here] we have a twenty four hour phone line which will help you, please ring [fake number here]" _


	22. Chapter 22

Raised by GLaDOS

Ahh Christmas, the day of peace, forgiveness and the many other things I don't do, humans love it for some reason and I have to celebrate it. According to my CPU with a Christmas chip, the only chip I never found and tore out. So every year I send the robots to tear down a tree and decorate it with balls and sprays I find.

"_No I'm not thrilled you stupid bird, Christmas is the only day I'm not allowed to test," _I turned to Fawkes who chose to comment on my mood. Of course I didn't want to stop testing to decorate a tree and cook; killing the turkey's ok however. Now the presents were harder to get, mainly because we rarely went out and Sirius Black is an escaped convict so he can't walk into a shop. However as a wanted person I am able to walk into a shop, demand something, pay very little and walk out, ahh the joys of being better than all of humanity. Speaking of presents I needed to deliver them, I had a few things sorted out and so did Harry, he was organised, he had started shopping the day he got back.

"_Ok taking things of the dead does not technically count as shopping but he got some good stuff," _I pointed out, he may have searched some of the skeletons, the rick executives had a lot of stuff on them. Credit cards, cash, rings, stolen weapons grade uranium and a lot more.

"_Yes some people like to tap into our uranium supply," _I told the bird before it could comment again, I could feel the thing wanting to question but it didn't, at least not yet. No I had considered putting it in with the three turkeys currently being slow cooked above a fire pit but it was too small, no I needed two for Chell and one for the others. I would be using that and saved it in my memory, she's not fat but it's still funny to see her reaction, anyway we had turkey, chicken and duck, three of each along with vegetables I stole and Christmas pudding.

"_Bird you've known me since we met and you bonded with me by force, I kill birds and killed you a lot," _I told the mouthy thing who for some reason was annoyed. Bond between birds? Now all I needed to do was get the prisoners ready for the day, we needed a show after all and I took some pride in the masterpiece I was going to perform.

_"Yes I know it will," _I agreed with the Phoenix for the first time in a long time, then my mind started to work. I had a few more things to do, the Christmas cards and of course the wakeup call.

Harry

"_Jingle Bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way, I would be more fun if I could test all through this moronic day!"_ I woke up to hear the latest torment of Christmas morning, she would do something to a song every year and twist it. Though last year's _Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day Chell ate in any way, _had been kind of funny for me anyway. Christmas was a day GLaDOS loved and hated, on one side she hated not testing and on the other she got to kill birds, best of both worlds I suppose. Though her dinners are something spectacular, a lot of birds die to make them

"_Good morning Harry, merry Christmas," _she greeted somewhat against her will, she had to say it due to one of her chips, it was also funny and I smirked.

"_Just because it's Christmas it doesn't mean I won't kill you," _she warned seeing me on the verge of laughter.

"_Well get to the main chamber, its present time," _she announced suddenly and realising she had a thing against getting washed or dressed today I decided to go with it. Instead I walked out of the sliding door and into the corridor, like my birthday it was gone. Unlike my birthday there was no faith plates, just a drop. The sliding door suddenly hissed shut and with a few stumbles I fell down into the darkness with a yelp, a gravity funnel opened up and I heard GLaDOS laughing her virtual head off over the intercom.

"Wait where's the Flooooor?" I heard Sirius demand as he fell into a beam that was hidden by the darkness under the corridor, I heard another door open and close so I assumed Chell had fallen to. Luckily without a voice she did it with a lot more dignity than me or Sirius.

"_Still funny," _GLaDOS announced with a cackle and slowly we were funnelled towards the main chamber, we were however a good few feet of the floor.

"Is there a ladder?" Sirius asked and the beam cutting off answered his question, we all tumbled to the floor where a soft panel had been hidden. GLaDOS in her real computer form hanging of the ceiling turned round to watch us get up

"You're evil," I told GLaDOS whose yellow eye piece blinked

"_Yes I know,_" was her simple response

"Well that was perhaps the most terrifying moment of my life," Sirius announced and GLaDOS turned to him

"_Really? Well I better get the drill," _she warned and Sirius paled

"Relax she can't test today," I told him and the man seemed relieved

"Tomorrow she will destroy you but Merry Christmas," I pointed out afterwards just to make sure he didn't get his hopes up too much

"And a Merry Christmas to you to," he smiled working out I was joking,

"Morning Chell, Merry Christmas," I greeted seeing an obviously tired Chell picking herself off the floor and brushing herself down, something that without sound seemed more dignified. She beamed at me with a wide smile.

"_Oh are we not saying good morning to the great computer who keeps you safe, secure, fed and happy," _ GLaDOS interjected,

"None of the personality sphere are here," I grinned in return , RIck had decided to stay with curiosity who was trying to work out what everything was, his dreams of scoring were still a long way off.

"_Do you want me to kill you?" _GLaDOS asked simply

"No I'm fine," I told her and she nodded, her giant form then reared up and parts of the floor opened.

"_Presents, now open them so we can get to dinner and the show,_" she asked nicely and suddenly I had the feeling she had something planned. Something that could be somewhat dangerous.

Meanwhile- the burrow

"Arthur what's going on?" Molly shrieked as she looked outside, she was just about to wake everyone up for Christmas breakfast when she saw Fred and George. They were bouncing up in the air outside in the garden, soaring to huge heights without a broomstick and high-fiving as they ascended.

"I have no idea, "he answered with a slight smile as he took in the sight of the twins bouncing, he loved Christmas and the twins has been up early for some reason, he knew now but he had no idea how they were doing this. However what he didn't know was if he looked closely he would see a blue spray smeared on the shoes of both boys. He could also find three spray cans of Aperture Science repulsion gel in their rooms but he decided to let his boys be. It was Christmas after all.

Chell

I had been surprised, I was expecting GLaDOS to get me a weight loss DVD or something along those lines but instead I had been treated to a designer dress which I knew she stole, new shoes and sweets. Stolen or not it was the thought that counted, Harry did well as he got a selection of magical objects. Exploding cards, strange jelly bean type things, joke products and a book on curses, I hoped he had enough sense not to use them on random people. Sirius got a lot of men's products, aftershave, a razor, a DVD which I took off him immediately and also his own portal gun, it fired green and yellow portals.

"_Well now I've done my buying duties get to the personal gifts," _GLaDOS ordered and again I wanted to know what she had planned, obviously it would be big and either funny or destructive. Harry have her a USB stick full of magical information he had digitalised. I gave her a book on phobias and she just glared at me. I gave Harry a number of books on pranks, tricks and other spells which I knew he would like then he wanted to give something to me.

"Here you go," Harry handed me a necklace, thin golden chain and a locket at the front, inside was a picture of me and him, he was about six and it was when we all went to the beach. Well GLaDOS hadn't invented a body at that point and she came disguised as a phone. It was such a sweet picture I pulled Harry into a tight hug, that day had been great fun and I was touched he had made this and as it had my name on the locket he hadn't just found it.

"Aww," Sirius murmured walking over, he held two packages which looked like brooms

"Well seeing as neither of you know how to fly I made a mail order and decided to get you something practical, so here are two prototype nimbus 2001's," he grinned handing the broom over, I unwrapped it and he tapped the edge, seconds later I was hovering in the air.

"Cool," Harry grinned knowing he was going to have fun with this, then Sirius turned to GLaDOS without getting me down. I was scared to move in case I went flying into a wall

"You know love, you may be a giant computer but you gave me a home and my life back, you got me out of prison and that's why I got you this, a wand," he told her. GLaDOS just looked at him

"_A wand? You got me a wand?" _she asked and Sirius was worried he had gotten her something wrong, however I knew how her software worked; oh no, this was dangerous.

"_Connection established," _the announcer voice confirmed it, he had given her a connection to magic.

"What does that mean?" he asked brightly

"It means you just gave her complete control of the magical world," Harry answered

"_Just for that I promise never to test harmful things on you for two weeks, Chell are you getting down," _GLaDOS answered giving the most thanks she had ever given. I nodded

"_Depends on what you got me," _the man answered with a grin, I hadn't got anything for him, all my shopping was done before he arrived and I was worried, what could I get him. Then I had an idea, I kissed him. He was stunned which allowed me to climb down off the broom without getting hurt.

"_Can I be the first to be repulsed by that?" _GLaDOS asked aloud and Harry just laughed as I walked out of the room leaving a dumbstruck escaped convict behind.

Sirius

Dinner had been amazing, I had never had so much meat in my life and GLaDOS said she would sae the rest for the new year. This Christmas had been incredible to say the least and with all the presents and a kiss I had no idea how this day could get any better.

"_Presenting the nutcracker puppets," _GLaDOS suddenly announced and I gaped at the cast, all were prisoners, from Barty Crouch as the nutcracker to... Oh My God.

"Bella?" I questioned aloud and the woman dressed up as the sugar-plum fairy looked up, looking furious with what the strings tied to her arms were making her do,

"_Please do not interact with the puppets," _she requested aloud.


End file.
